Life has been moving at warp speed for me these last couple of weeks. While I'm not always happy when life passes like this - almost leaving me behind - I will be happy to close 2007 and welcome 2008. A lot has happened this year that I have just recently come to terms with...and I'm thrilled to have gone through such an amazing transformation. In looking back, I had imagined I'd be sitting in a cute little French apartment on the Riviera with my beau and wondering how I was going to pay bills. Now I'm facing the end of the year with my mom just next door, my sister an hour away and a very unhealthy relationship behind me.
I was opening a bottle of wine at a table the other day and chatting with the customers. Our restaurant agrees to have a festive Santa stand set up on our beautiful patio that closes during winter and my table was joking around about being "naughty or nice" this year. They asked me which one I had been and I jokingly said, "both!" They then asked what I would ask Santa for in 2008 (quite a personal question, I must say, for having just met them.) Before I could stop myself, I responded, "to leave 2007 in the past." And really? That's all I would ask him for. Too often it takes me way too long before I can move past big events in my life and it just handicaps my future...and my present. I have so much to look forward to in the coming months: a cruise, a life-changing yoga teacher training, a new apartment and freedom...inner freedom especially.
Why do I love yoga so much? Why do I talk about it and incorporate it into my life in an almost obsessive manner? Because it reminds me to live in the present, to be a better person, to seek beauty in all things - good and bad. I am a better person with every pose and every breath I take...I like ME better because I do and live yoga. So 2008? It will be the beginning of a fantastic chapter in life where I leave the past behind and welcome the present with open, lotus arms.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Doors
In another fantastic yoga class, as we began our practice and set our intention for the session, our teacher spoke of Satya or truth. She spoke of the paradox of truth - of it being so important yet so difficult to speak. She asked us to dedicate our practice to the inner truth we must learn to follow. She then invited us to remember a time when speaking the truth was one of the hardest things to do. My Ex's face floated into my mind. I thought about how difficult it must have been for him to face his truth - his inability to love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved. I imagined the feelings he must have had during those moments when he was deciding to leave, the way he would present it, and the possible ways I may react. And then I imagined the freedom he must have felt once he spoke that truth - that ugly truth that was lingering there, beneath our every word for such a long, long time.
It's not easy to be truthful, especially with those with whom we most need to be. I thought about my truth - about the path I was on and the path I'm on now and the clarity with which I see it all now as the necessary elements set into place for my life to be exactly where it is in this moment. I knew for years, possibly from the beginning, that my Ex was not a good match for me. And I ignored the warning signs - though now I'm not really sure why. Perhaps I needed to believe that something so exotic really could work out. I know I was meant to have those experiences and I actually treasure each of them - the good with the bad. But I was so afraid of being truthful - to myself, to him, to everyone else. And then I started lying to myself - the one person I needed to be honest with - and in the end I was lost, without direction and only myself to depend on for making decisions about my future. Thank God! :)
Now that I am living authentically (and can actually say that I know what that means), I see how far I drifted from my dharma - my life's purpose. No wonder I cried so much and felt trapped. No wonder I felt such despair... I had no idea where I was going or who I was. And I surely didn't know how to just accept that...and be patient and still long enough for it to come to me.
Now? I am constantly asking questions, imagining possibilities, and challenging my boundaries. I am able to be present, happy, sore, scared, worried, in lust, confused, fickle....all of it, without fear of judgment. I accept my feelings more readily than every before. And it is so freeing to be in this place. I have actually felt my heart open and fill with light, love and forgiveness. It's so much easier to LET GO and let life flow, to live it, to experience the breezes, the laughter, and the energy moving constantly around me than to be miserable. It makes me feel like I've been asleep or lost, not knowing how wonderfully fantastic life can be. And knowing that now reminds me that everything happens for a reason and we can choose to live as victims or products of our past, or to create our own future and manifest our own dharma.
Carl Jung wrote, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." I choose to become someone who is happy.
As I walked out of my class yesterday, I felt thankful for every door that has opened and closed in my life to lead me to my yoga mat where I am able to calm my heart and mind enough to hear the truth it begs to speak. And I am just excited with anticipation to see see what door opens next...
It's not easy to be truthful, especially with those with whom we most need to be. I thought about my truth - about the path I was on and the path I'm on now and the clarity with which I see it all now as the necessary elements set into place for my life to be exactly where it is in this moment. I knew for years, possibly from the beginning, that my Ex was not a good match for me. And I ignored the warning signs - though now I'm not really sure why. Perhaps I needed to believe that something so exotic really could work out. I know I was meant to have those experiences and I actually treasure each of them - the good with the bad. But I was so afraid of being truthful - to myself, to him, to everyone else. And then I started lying to myself - the one person I needed to be honest with - and in the end I was lost, without direction and only myself to depend on for making decisions about my future. Thank God! :)
Now that I am living authentically (and can actually say that I know what that means), I see how far I drifted from my dharma - my life's purpose. No wonder I cried so much and felt trapped. No wonder I felt such despair... I had no idea where I was going or who I was. And I surely didn't know how to just accept that...and be patient and still long enough for it to come to me.
Now? I am constantly asking questions, imagining possibilities, and challenging my boundaries. I am able to be present, happy, sore, scared, worried, in lust, confused, fickle....all of it, without fear of judgment. I accept my feelings more readily than every before. And it is so freeing to be in this place. I have actually felt my heart open and fill with light, love and forgiveness. It's so much easier to LET GO and let life flow, to live it, to experience the breezes, the laughter, and the energy moving constantly around me than to be miserable. It makes me feel like I've been asleep or lost, not knowing how wonderfully fantastic life can be. And knowing that now reminds me that everything happens for a reason and we can choose to live as victims or products of our past, or to create our own future and manifest our own dharma.
Carl Jung wrote, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." I choose to become someone who is happy.
As I walked out of my class yesterday, I felt thankful for every door that has opened and closed in my life to lead me to my yoga mat where I am able to calm my heart and mind enough to hear the truth it begs to speak. And I am just excited with anticipation to see see what door opens next...
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