Stability

There I was, upside down in "Downdog" and my teacher is talking about finding inner stability and I had an "ah ha" moment: I got it. I knew what she was talking about. Only recently have I come to fully grasp what practicing yoga really means to me. When I decided to dive into yoga again earlier this year, I felt my relation to it had shifted. I know that I didn't quite understand why I felt so calm and relaxed when I was done but I would walk out and feel ten million times better than when I went in. I started trusting myself more in the poses, finding balance and hearing myself say, "I can do this." I'm not the most flexible of people and I always thought yoga hurt and there were times in my life when I did yoga that I couldn't relate to the spiritual talk that came with it. But then I lost my job at the end of February and had to take a moment to reassess what it was that I wanted to do in life. And in a moment of clarity, I knew yoga would become a big part of it.

In downdog the other day, I realized how far I have come these last couple of months. I didn't take on my new direction in life with too much poise. I cried a lot. I felt every negative emotion a human can feel. I threw things. I felt numb and sad and all the other emotions we as humans run from. And every time I had those feelings, I would find my way onto my yoga mat and I felt like I was coming home. I can only attribute it to the feeling I would get after a long challenging day and falling into my lover's arms. Or my mom's. It was like I was able to let go, refocus, and would come away feeling inspired.

Upside down, I realized and accepted at the same time that I have always sought stability in other people. It took me moving to another country to learn to make decisions about my life on my own without consulting my mom, sister or friends. When people ask me why I have chosen the path I have in life, I haven't always known how to respond. Now I just tell them that I've done it because it has taught me to rely on myself in ways that living at home never would have. I can lie and say that I've always been an independent person but the loss of direction and self-worth I felt when my last relationship ended reminded me that I have been seeking stability and direction in someone other than myself. How absolutely co-dependent was I?!

My inner voices spoke in yoga the other day (which is why I adore yoga so much - it's OK that I am listening to that inner dialogue) one part of me stating that I wanted so badly to find stability and the other answer, "you're looking in the wrong places." I have a feeling that once I find my inner stability...once I can say without a doubt that I am happy being on my own, that I am confident in my choices and direction...that I am in love with the woman I am...well then I will have stability. And that stability will be with me no matter where I go.

And then I'll be free.

Breezes in the shade

I sat with a new friend tonight bantering back and forth about nothing in particular but just enjoying a playful conversation. At one point, I told him that when I initially met him, I thought he was an angel but now that I knew him, I saw the halo above his head was nicely held up by the horns. As we laughed, I asked him what his first impression was of me (adding that it wasn't the same type of question as, "do these jeans make my ass look big?") He said that I seemed a little shy and (he paused) "insecure." I kind of sat back for a minute to digest that word. Insecure? And it occured to me that I must be sending out so many different signals to people - so many impressions that I'm unaware of at this point. I expected that he'd say, "bitter" or "sad" or "lost" but "insecure" stung because he was right. Being blindsided and heartbroken by someone you love will do all of those things to you. It will also make you numb, fearful, angry.

BUT for me? It has given me an opportunity to really LIVE life instead of accepting what I think is "the best that I can do" instead of creating opportunities. That's the meat of life, isn't it? Enjoying laughter, love, good food, deep conversations and cosmic connections? It's also about dusk overlooking a beautiful view, the smell of trees, cuddles with the kitty, inside (and often dirty) jokes with old friends and siblings...and a myriad of other aspects of life that make it so amazingly worth living.

If I retreat...if I seem to be lost inside myself in the coming months, I beg of you your understanding. I have missed me and I am trying to learn to listen to what my heart is telling me to do next. Lately she's been dreaming of stability but the inner nomad is having a hard time settling down and I'm not sure what steps to take. So I do continue to put each foot in front of the other, allowing my heart to remain open to a future of possibilities. And they will come. One day when I'm open, when I least expect it, when that door opens....it will be clear to me what I'm meant to be doing next. Until then? I know it's not worth worrying about it. Or listening to other's expectations of what I should be doing or where I should be going. In the end? I'm a single woman with the world of possibilities stretched out before me.

And I intend to make the most of this freedom.

Blooming

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

I have to admit that where I am and where I was three months ago seem like two different worlds. I have made decisions in my life that I am not proud of but the one I made to come here, to come HOME, was the best one I've made in a very long time. As I made that decision, I remember that I really felt like I was surrendering; waving a big white flag; tucking my tail between my legs. But now I am experiencing the clarity that it has brought me and I realize that it really pays to take care of yourself, to listen to your heart and to forgive yourself. The adjustment to being in a new place and facing a blank future has not been that easy for me but I have allowed myself to feel whatever it is that I feel at the moment and I have really tuned into those feelings and I feel rejuvenated.

Forgiveness is key to healing, I'm finding. There isn't a manual on how to get through heartache (trust me, I searched every bookstore and in the eyes of every friend and family member I could for it.) So forgiving yourself for making bad decisions; for doing things for the wrong reasons, and for not seeing what was clear to everyone but you....that makes all the difference. It also helps me understand, forgive and love others. I find that I am so much more accepting of other's imperfections and more forgiving of their mistakes. How can I forgive myself and not others?

My mother told me the other day that she was sure I would have left my Ex eventually and that it was just a blessing in disguise that he did it first. I told her that I may not have left him...because that person I was? She was afraid to be alone and thought that perhaps he was the best she may ever find. The look on my mother's face - the sadness for her daughter to have settled in love - reminded me that we are always a work in progress. I know better now. I am not looking for a man now...but I am not closing doors and I am learning so much about the woman I am becoming now that I have crawled out of that ravine I found myself in not long ago.

And it feels like a spiritual journey. I am happy to be alive - right where I am.

13th and Columbine

"While walking down the street or driving in your car alone today, you will start feeling a new sense of peace in your solitude. Expand this feeling by keeping to yourself as much as you can throughout the day. Move away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world, and think about the issues that are most important to you. Doing so will help build up your intuitive skills. You're in a highly suggestible phase, and you should count on your own compass for guidance."

It's amusing to me that this horoscope reading from Yahoo (of all the reliable places!)should be something I see at the end of my day. I feel like I'm just moving through the hours of my day right now without much thought about the future. I have worked hard to get to this point because as I've mentioned before, I'm a planner and not planning has never been an option. As I'm driving home from dinner with an old friend tonight I realized something that really disturbed me: I'm petrified of planning, ANYTHING, longterm especially. So I don't. And you know what? It has served me pretty well. While I find that not writing a "To Do" list has kept me from thinking about my future and that has been a relief, it has also kept me from thinking about paying bills or completing my sister's medical billing. (Sorry Sis!)

I had time to kill so I decided to get a yummy iced coffee and to walked around the neighborhood that I lived in 7 years ago. As I passed the apartment building I lived in, I saw that they had refurbished it and were selling off the apartments. I decided to see what was available to rent and how I felt being there and I heard my heart say, "this fits too." I started daydreaming about decorating my apartment, with my cat on my couch, brazilian music playing in the background and candles burning on a fireplace mantal. I actually felt excited about the prospect of living in Denver again. I know now isn't the time but I feel it's coming.

On a whim, unexpectedly, I applied for a second job at the yoga studio and store that I have been frequenting since I moved back to Colorado. They were looking for someone part-time and I thought, "why not? Free yoga." I interviewed and got the job on the same day and started working today. I LOVE the owners (native to Colorado) and the products and well, the yoga (duh!), so getting the job made me happier than I have felt about a position in a long time. When they asked me if I intended to stay in Denver I answered, "yes." Without hesitating. Because at this point? I see no other options.

I am feeling more and more like I'm exactly where I need to be. Unattached. Taking care of my needs. Paying off debt; spending quality time with family; enjoying this beautiful state and living in the moment...because it freaks me out to look too far ahead. We only have today and it serves no purpose to panic about the fact that I have no idea where I'm going, what I will be doing or SHOULD be doing and I really just want to enjoy life.

But soon...soon I will need to allow myself to dream big again. I feel closed to dreaming. I saw a shirt that said, "I go confidently in the direction of my dreams." When I feel that way...when I feel my heart open enough to trust again that dreaming doesn't end in heartache and disappointment...I will buy that shirt and wear it proudly.

Wolves in sheep's clothing...

The full moon made an attempt to peek its way out behind the clouds the other night and lightening flashed like someone taking a photo across the evening sky. The concert was packed with people dancing and singing and overall, just enjoying themselves; some high, some drunk, some both. The beat of the music moved me even though I knew very few words. I remember breathing in and closing my eyes and living, in that moment until I was ready for the next one to pass. Moments are funny like that; you can make them last for seconds or they can continue for hours. At one point, I people watched so intently that I forgot about my date who stood next to me. But when I came back to him, I would look at him and think, "hm... he's cute." He wasn't really my type: tall, blond, wearing tennis shoes and a rain jacket. My dream guy isn't that tall. He's dark, mysterious, likely foreign but now I'm totally interested those cute USA natives. And he is well, a lot more interesting and mature. I didn't get butterflies and I wasn't all nervous around him but I enjoyed his company all the same. I remember thinking to myself, "this dating thing? It's not so bad. I could learn to enjoy moments like these. There are no expectations. No future plans. No investment. No problem!"

I think the thing I have to remember when reflecting on my first post-five-year-relationship-date is that I visualized what actually came to pass moments before he rolled up to my house to pick me up. I don't expect anything. I don't WANT to expect that this guy - the "guy I agreed to go out with so that I could safely say that I crossed that bridge" is going to be anything more than the guy who came after my ex. I likely won't remember his name or his face or the way his lips tasted. He will just be that guy I went on a date with and kissed two months after ending what I thought was the love affair of my life. I was very clear in all of my actions and words that I expected nothing from him. So I enjoyed the music, the funny little things that make a first date interesting. It had been over 5 years since I "dated" anyone and I NEEDED the experience to end and begin a chapter of my life.

And so it was what it was. One night with a semi-stranger. I wasn't there 100% but I never expected to be. I remember looking at him, not really listening to what he was saying but thinking, "I never thought I'd get here." When my heart was broken not too long ago, I was sure I would never want to be in the presence of another man. That sounds dramatic but if I'm honest, I really felt that it couldn't possibly be worth all that I was feeling with such an intensity. No man was worth it, in my book. But sitting there, looking at this guy I was thankful that I at least allowed myself to be open to it again. It was proof that our hearts either forget or heal and are resilient. And I felt the page turn.

I won't lie. The date wasn't the best I've had. It was the first of many, I hope. He and I? We don't fit, in so many ways, but it's nice to know that I have it in me to allow a man into my space again. It reminds me to really evaluate who gets to enter that space again and that I have to grow thicker skin, watch for wolves in sheep's clothing, and not take anything that any man says to you seriously until he's earned it.