What do you want?

As I drove home from my first weekend of my yoga teacher training, I realized that I had not yet completely digested all the information we were given. I was sitting in silence because my mind was so bent in such a different way for THREE WHOLE DAYS that I was just exhausted from thinking and needed the silence and the passing scenery to really get my brain around the abundance of new material I was presented about the world of yoga. I kept hearing the presenter's voice in my ear, "what do you want?" I took deep breaths in and out and really focused on the question but my mind was completely blank or just on strike.

Why is it that we can name off a whole list of material things that we desire but when faced with the question of "what do you want from life" the mind can be completely, 100% blank? It's not that hard of a question really... my sister could answer it easily with "a baby, more time with the kids, less work, and a back that didn't scream every night." I couldn't come up with an answer. I repeated the question outloud to myself - to the other drivers maybe - and my mind wandered and just wasn't having it. This little exercise, I have to say, was really telling because it occurred to me that I was afraid to ask. That would mean that I might actually get it.

I believe that the Universe does want to give us everything our hearts want, we just have to be courageous enough to ask. And that is both the most exciting and the most frightening possibility to me. I'm nervous about putting anything out there for fear that I might not be worthy of it all. It's like all of those genie jokes about three wishes gone bad. But then - you know what? It is SO worth it for me/us to figure it out...and to then ask for it. If the Universe wants to give it to us, why shouldn’t we ask!?

Yesterday I sat in Starbucks with my chai next to my yoga books for study, fresh out of an inspiring yoga session trying to ready my head to study before my shift began at the bistro. I set everything up on the table, took a look around at the movement in the cafe and realized that in that moment, I was finally, authentically happy for the first time in a VERY long time. I was so overwhelmed with this realization that I had to hold back my tears. I heard my heart shout, "THIS...THIS is what I want! I want to feel like that ALL THE TIME!" And then it asked, “What do I need to do?” And I heard a voice say, “ask for it.”

So Universe? What do I want? I want love. Happiness. Abundance. Gratitude. Amazing relationships. Humble moments. Laughter. Passion. Growth. Understanding. And then more love because life is too short to not ask for what you want! I want this more than I have EVER wanted anything in life before.

Last year, when my heart was broken and I went into a dark forest of emotions for a long while, I remember thinking, "I can't see the light in here. I don't know if I will ever see that light again." And I really meant it. I was in a ravine and everyone who loved me would tell me "the only way you can go from "rock bottom" is up"

I'm up now. I'm more than up, I'm flying!