Free falling...

I usually have to psyche myself out to sit in a dentists chair...it has got to be one of my least favorite things to do in this life. And that is probably why I have found myself in the "chair" frequently in the last couple of years. As I leaned back into his chair, my new dentist smiled at me with his eyes and assured me that it wouldn't be but a second. He had filled a pretty bad cavity a few weeks ago and it was bothering me and I had managed to fit the visit into my pretty full "yoga" schedule. As he drilled and smoothed and soothed me, I explained to him in-between how I wanted to give it time to heal, as he had suggested, but that it was difficult to bite down. His response was, "sometimes it takes more time than you think to heal. The trauma was pretty bad and now, it's just a matter of time."

A year ago I was in a different dentists' chair preparing for an unexpected move here. I was raw; alone; broken. Now? Time has definitely worked to heal me but sometimes, like a toothache, I am reminded of the time it takes to heal a trauma. And courage. And yet, I'm so amazed at the abundance of love, beauty, magic and laughter my life is filled with now. Never...NEVER would I have imagined I would be fulfilling dreams, left and right, and in love again. It's not perfect, this life of mine. it has so many more valley's than hills but like the tooth, I have to be patient with myself, love myself, allow myself to feel when it's time to feel and let go when it's time to let go.

In the woods, in the fairy circle, amongst the amazingly open women whose presence I was lucky enough to keep this last weekend, I took a step closer to my true self. I found (and still find) myself wondering what is so difficult about being me. And yet, I am lost sometimes when I look in the mirror...amazed at how much I'm not sure about; how much I still have to dig through to allow that light to shine again. It shouldn't be this difficult, yet, it is one of the MOST difficult missions I have accepted. Self-discovery over and over again can be a tiresome task...and I'm happy I've committed to doing so...over and over again.

If my tarot cards are correct...I am in a time of seclusion; of being a hermit. I am drawn inward yet have to live in the outward context. In my world outside of myself, I deal with politics, I put on faces, I adapt and do what I am asked to do in hopes that it will pay off. And yet, I am unable to trust - to free fly. That is my biggest challenge. Falling. Free. Trusting that the Universe will catch me. It always has. It does every time I fall without control of doing so. And yet I'm afraid. I am fearful of feeling so heartbroken or of failing. I know this. I am intimate with these feelings and this realization. And in being so, I am not yet free.

It's like having someone holding onto your heart while you want so urgently for them to let it go so it can breathe....I so wish that I could trust...fall freely into the unknown and know that I can and will be caught, safely, taken to the other side.

So each morning I tell myself that I am ok to Let go. Be free. Trust. Love. Love fearlessly. and to imagine a world when I will feel safe being held.