The Precious Present

Life has been moving at warp speed for me these last couple of weeks. While I'm not always happy when life passes like this - almost leaving me behind - I will be happy to close 2007 and welcome 2008. A lot has happened this year that I have just recently come to terms with...and I'm thrilled to have gone through such an amazing transformation. In looking back, I had imagined I'd be sitting in a cute little French apartment on the Riviera with my beau and wondering how I was going to pay bills. Now I'm facing the end of the year with my mom just next door, my sister an hour away and a very unhealthy relationship behind me.

I was opening a bottle of wine at a table the other day and chatting with the customers. Our restaurant agrees to have a festive Santa stand set up on our beautiful patio that closes during winter and my table was joking around about being "naughty or nice" this year. They asked me which one I had been and I jokingly said, "both!" They then asked what I would ask Santa for in 2008 (quite a personal question, I must say, for having just met them.) Before I could stop myself, I responded, "to leave 2007 in the past." And really? That's all I would ask him for. Too often it takes me way too long before I can move past big events in my life and it just handicaps my future...and my present. I have so much to look forward to in the coming months: a cruise, a life-changing yoga teacher training, a new apartment and freedom...inner freedom especially.

Why do I love yoga so much? Why do I talk about it and incorporate it into my life in an almost obsessive manner? Because it reminds me to live in the present, to be a better person, to seek beauty in all things - good and bad. I am a better person with every pose and every breath I take...I like ME better because I do and live yoga. So 2008? It will be the beginning of a fantastic chapter in life where I leave the past behind and welcome the present with open, lotus arms.

Doors

In another fantastic yoga class, as we began our practice and set our intention for the session, our teacher spoke of Satya or truth. She spoke of the paradox of truth - of it being so important yet so difficult to speak. She asked us to dedicate our practice to the inner truth we must learn to follow. She then invited us to remember a time when speaking the truth was one of the hardest things to do. My Ex's face floated into my mind. I thought about how difficult it must have been for him to face his truth - his inability to love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved. I imagined the feelings he must have had during those moments when he was deciding to leave, the way he would present it, and the possible ways I may react. And then I imagined the freedom he must have felt once he spoke that truth - that ugly truth that was lingering there, beneath our every word for such a long, long time.

It's not easy to be truthful, especially with those with whom we most need to be. I thought about my truth - about the path I was on and the path I'm on now and the clarity with which I see it all now as the necessary elements set into place for my life to be exactly where it is in this moment. I knew for years, possibly from the beginning, that my Ex was not a good match for me. And I ignored the warning signs - though now I'm not really sure why. Perhaps I needed to believe that something so exotic really could work out. I know I was meant to have those experiences and I actually treasure each of them - the good with the bad. But I was so afraid of being truthful - to myself, to him, to everyone else. And then I started lying to myself - the one person I needed to be honest with - and in the end I was lost, without direction and only myself to depend on for making decisions about my future. Thank God! :)

Now that I am living authentically (and can actually say that I know what that means), I see how far I drifted from my dharma - my life's purpose. No wonder I cried so much and felt trapped. No wonder I felt such despair... I had no idea where I was going or who I was. And I surely didn't know how to just accept that...and be patient and still long enough for it to come to me.

Now? I am constantly asking questions, imagining possibilities, and challenging my boundaries. I am able to be present, happy, sore, scared, worried, in lust, confused, fickle....all of it, without fear of judgment. I accept my feelings more readily than every before. And it is so freeing to be in this place. I have actually felt my heart open and fill with light, love and forgiveness. It's so much easier to LET GO and let life flow, to live it, to experience the breezes, the laughter, and the energy moving constantly around me than to be miserable. It makes me feel like I've been asleep or lost, not knowing how wonderfully fantastic life can be. And knowing that now reminds me that everything happens for a reason and we can choose to live as victims or products of our past, or to create our own future and manifest our own dharma.

Carl Jung wrote, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." I choose to become someone who is happy.

As I walked out of my class yesterday, I felt thankful for every door that has opened and closed in my life to lead me to my yoga mat where I am able to calm my heart and mind enough to hear the truth it begs to speak. And I am just excited with anticipation to see see what door opens next...

Freedom

Like clockwork, it comes at the same time every month, as if with the new moon. Funny it should come on this new moon and right on time. I am feeling that familiar sorrow creep into my heart, as if it's the mist rolling in over the mountains. It's probably the only time I reflect on my past, allowing memories to play out and feeling all those emotions that come with those images. Memories are bittersweet that way because I am both happy to have them and feeling cursed to have them so vividly playing their way out in my mind. And I give into it because for a month, I have fought them - pushed them back, ignored them, played off the hurt as if it no longer existed. I pretend that I'm healed and emotionally stable because I feel like it's been long enough; that I can no longer play the heartbroken card. I am supposed to be done grieving because frankly, I'm all cried out. But then I'm not - the tears are sourced somewhere in me - in that sorrow perhaps - and brought on by hormones and the lunar pull...I'm unable to hold it in.

I long for freedom.

I want it more than I have wanted anything ever in my life.

Finding a balance

"Tell me...what is my imbalance" I insist as I change lanes.

"Well, for starters...your heart is still broken." I chuckle and say something along the lines of, "what ever gave you that idea?"

It wouldn't be the image of me sobbing in your arms the other night, would it? It wouldn't be my inability to let you in? Or how about my arm holding you just far enough that you can't hurt me? It's in the way that you can tell that my heart, regardless of however open I'd like it to be, has a huge stone wall around it right now.

Sometimes it's there - that balance. The balance between happy and sad, here and there, left and right, yes and no, the future and the past. Perhaps the "balance" is the present - the one sure thing we have. I find it sometimes when I'm going through asanas in yoga - the breathing, in and out, keeps me focused enough that I find that place where it all aligns and I am strong, standing on one leg, ok with the sway, feeling the peace that comes when it's there, that balance. But other moments, I fall out of the pose, laugh it off and get right back up there to try it - over and again. On more than one occasion, I have pushed my limits - trying poses that I would not have had the courage to attempt and it's in those moments that I know I'm healing - maybe not at the speed I'd like but...I'm healing.

And I know that I'm learning how to find a balance in my life. On beautiful fall Colorado days like today, I am so thankful I made the choice to come here. I feel like I belong here, like for the first time in years that it's home and a great one at that. Walking on autumn leaves, I realize how much I want to embrace life fully - live in the present moment and know that it the only thing I can truly hold onto. And then I hear a song that takes me to a faraway place or I see the white roofs of Paris and my heart yearns to fly. Then I feel the imbalance - between living here, in this moment and wanting to experience the vastness and beautiful colors of our world. It's like being pulled in opposite directions and it leaves me wondering if I will ever be capable of having both - a life of stability and excitement, alone and social moments, sleep and wakefulness. It's all about finding that balance.

He was right about the foundation of my imbalance being a somewhat tender and still broken heart. I can hide it and nurture it and ignore it a little but it's there still, finding its way....finding its balance.

Detoxifying to find me

I catch my reflection in a window as I briskly walk to work and I hear myself ask, "Who is she?" There are mirrors above many of the tables at the bistro and sometimes, when I'm greeting a table and putting on my act, I look up and think, "That doesn't look like me." I sometimes hear my voice say something and I wonder, "where did that come from?" I don't know if it's because I'm rediscovering myself and I don't recognize this new "me" but it's starting to freak me out a little.

I went on a date the other night with what initially seemed to be a really decent guy. We chatted. Laughed. Shared stories. He said flattering things and I continued to drink my nice pinot noir. At one point, I thought, "nice. Finally, a non-schmuck." And then he heard a song he recognized and kind of out-of-nowhere starts singing to it...in the middle of the cute wine bar. It wasn't a nice, modest sing-along. Oh no! He seriously broke out into song...I could have handed him a mic. I think I might have even looked around to make sure everyone else was witnessing this interesting phenomenon. Once that episode was over, I asked for another glass of wine... I was going to need it. We continued to talk and he does it again, another favorite song. And mind-you, by then I was feeling pretty wine-nice (you all know the feeling, right?) I kind of chuckled, took a sip of my wine and then asked him to excuse me as I stumbled a little off my chair and down the hallway to the ladies chamber.

When I returned, he seemed to have collected his singin' self and we continued to chat. He asked me a question about my travels and as I'm dazzling him with my brilliance, he leaned in and kissed me. It shocked me and I should have heeded the caution alarms ringing in my head but instead, I kissed him back because Mr. SingingLawyer was pretty cute and quirky - a combo I tend to like, especially since I'm pretty quirky. He then informed me that he didn't want to freak me out but that he was trying to think of how he could "spend more time with me..." that he "doesn't want to end the date yet because it's going so well." And at that point, I'm on my third glass of wine and aware that I should stop drinking and even more aware that he was up to something but because I was clearly not ready to drive home, when he suggests we take a walk for fresh air, I agreed.

I made a deal with myself when I moved here that I would live in the moment because my life had shown me that our time here is just too short. In that moment, walking with this cute guy to sober up seemed like a really good idea. So we walked for a little while, he leans in to kiss me a few times, it's romantic - we're wild-n-crazy kids having a little fun. Then I notice that we seem to be going in the direction away from my car so I ask, "Where are we headed?" He says, "Well, I thought I'd play you a little guitar." I'm a sucker for a few things and the f'ing acoustic guitar has suckered me a few times ....this was going to be one of them.

It is at this point that I tell that inner nagging voice to shut it. She's telling me, "um, hello?! Don't fall for it you idiot! He's just trying to get you to his lair." I pushed that bitch in the face and continued to follow this guy. Looking back, being a woman, I realize how very dumb it was to follow this guy anywhere but I wasn't thinking correctly. I was thinking, "acoustic guitar" and "living in the moment." And if I were my friend, looking at this situation from the outside, I would smack me. It isn't like me to give in to an obvious suggestion, to put myself in possibly dangerous situations, and to fall for it. But lately? I haven't cared. I have thrown caution and obviously my inner bitch, ahem.. I mean, voice, to the wind. While nothing happened at his apartment but the promised singing (which was actually a lot more appealing than his showcase in the bar) and some good ole makin' out, I still realize how unlike me I'm being right now and how very wrong my night could have gone.

With a clear head, some cleansing mountain air and distance, I have been able to look back at this and the many other similar experiences I have had since my break-up and really see why I am not recognizing myself. Until now, I've been so forgiving of myself - knowing that there was a lot of healing and growth I came here to accomplish but realizing that I would have weak moments along the way. Plus, I was in a serious relationship for 5 whole years - who blames me for dating like it's goin' outta style?

But based on these said months of serious dating, I've decided, however hard it may be to keep with it, I am going to detox from men and back it up with laying off the enabler: red wine. I have heard my inner voice, (let's just call her Sally), screaming at me to do this since my breakup in May. I guess I had unconsciously decided that I would take men up as a game. I haven't felt anything other than lust for them. Sometimes it's just plain disdain. "They are all the same" I heard my heart say on more than one occasion. I have used them like they have used me (and I'm sure, many women) and while it has been empowering to make those choices, it has ultimately left me empty. I haven't felt necessarily guilty about it...just sad that I'm still, 6 months later, two seasons later, unable to really feel positive things for men. I am eager for the day that I can be a good match for someone. That I can offer someone without this negative relationship baggage; someone other than a very hurt, bitter and lost woman. I am empty. I have nothing to offer.

It's the right time to hibernate and to remember that I don't want a man in my life right now. It's not just that I don't need one or can't deal with one. I don't want one. They distract me and I need to be focused on healing, on figuring out how to make my next big step and being with myself. I know that until the hurt is gone, I will never be ready to let love back into my hardened heart.

Everlasting...

In the hallway between the kitchen and the bar I leaned against the wall and told him, "that's not love. That? That's just lust; plain as day." It was cute but slightly annoying how they held their hands across the table and smiled coyly at each other. It was obvious how mutual their adoration was and initially I just thought with a shrug, "cute." As I brought their drinks and their meal, they sat peacefully across the table from each other just looking all gooey-eyed and eating.. Then, as I returned to present them with a dessert menu, she had moved her chair to be seated right next to him, blocking a passageway. Our restaurant is small; it's a Bistro. We can't hire larger people because they just wouldn't be able to slink between the tables - that is how close our tables are from each other. The little act of moving her chair to be next to him put me over the edge. And the fact that they didn't even look up from their display of affection long enough for me to tell them about the crepe of the freakin' day? I asked, God with fists in the air, "WHY?!!!"

All my coworkers were talking about the annoyancy of the "lovebirds." All I could say was, "Bleh. That's not love. I don't want that. That isn't even real."

That same night, at the same time, I had had a lovely table comprised of two couples that were so nice. They had asked me at one point what I thought of Denver. When I replied, "it's nice but sometimes, a little too small," the older woman asked, "Where would you go if you could?" "Paris", I told her, without hesitation. She told me, "Don't wait." I didn't think much of it and smiled, agreeing with her, "I can't wait very much longer, actually." She smiled and I poured her wine.

And then as I was closing their check at the computer, I notice a bunch of people surrounding someone outside. One fellow server came in saying, "some old guy is going to die on our patio." I noticed it was my old guy from my fabulous table. I ran outside to see the older gentleman sitting on the chair, pale, eyes closed and in the arms of his wife, who held his head in such a loving, gentle manner that I stood there speechless. The other couple that had been with them had split up with one calling the hospital and the other running for the car. When they recognized me, the woman calling the hospital somehow choked out, "he's got cancer. He's going through chemo and...." I hugged her. I didn't know her but I hugged her because I had no idea of what else to do.

As I walked back into the restaurant to see what was being done and collect myself, I looked back through the window to see the wife of the man kissing the top of his head, so lovingly. I turned again to my coworker with whom I had had the conversation about my lovebird table, pointed at the woman holding her man and said, "THAT is love. That is the type of love that I want..the "holdyourheadwhileyou'redying" kind of love.

I almost lost it right there as I realized how humble and powerless it must be to know that the love of your life is dying. To love someone THAT much, know that your days are numbered but to stay there, holding their head as they go from the big, strong man that walked so confidently beside you to a man dying of such a horrid disease, weak from the battle and obviously hanging on by a thread. That is love in it's purest form.

I went into our bathroom and prayed no one entered as I sobbed for them. I sobbed because I thought I knew love but I was wrong. The whole time I was with my Ex, I knew that he would never have been that person for me.

That love is rare but seeing it so raw that evening? I felt a flicker of hope light that candle that had burned out in my heart when I thought love left me.

Direction

As my stepdad contorted his body underneath my little red car, I had a flashback to my earlier days when my car would have engine issues or be in need of an oil change and I would look pathetically at my brother or stepdad and hope they took pity on me and fixed the issue. I felt like I was 16 again when I knew nothing about what they were looking at, could really care less about the details of it but would graciously stand there and give them whatever weird tool or assistance they needed. He was trying to figure out what oil was leaking and where and more importantly, how to make it stop so as to avoid having the homeowner's association sending us another letter about something we've done wrong. He grumbled something about how my brother must've put it all together but missed a bolt of some sort (like I said, grumbling + my ignorance about cars ='s lack of details) and that is why it's leaking. He went on to say that unless we wanted to take the car apart again, it was going to continue leaking and then said something about how it's just like my brother to leave things undone.

I love my brother and while I agree sometimes that he starts things only to leave them incomplete for one reason or another, I felt it was unfair of him to say this about the car. My big loving, amazingly generous brother put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this car (his car!) to make it workable so his broken-hearted little sister could have transportation. My retort to my stepdad's comment? "Geesh, what do you disagree with about my life or choices?" I said it jokingly but he got it. His response was, "well, your mom and I know that you've had to go through what you have as a part of growing up but...but I do think it would be terrible to waste your education working at a yoga store and restaurant." Ouch....ouch but true.

Practically in tears I told him, like a 16-year-old would that I was tired of trying to find a job in my field - trying to improve human rights or solve the world's problems - only to be let down because I'm unqualified or to be paid NOTHING to do it because it's for a good cause. I've tried this...remember? Remember D.C.? Paris? New York? Unpaid internships and unrewarding work behind a desk for people who judge your abilities initially and pretty much along the way by what stupid school you were able to get into?

I'm so tired of having my WORTH and career path decided based not on my ability to do a job (cuz I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to) but things beyond my control. I've put in my time doing mindless work where I swallowed my pride on a daily basis because I thought it would pay off. It hasn't. I've accepted that.

I want an abundance of love and joy in my life. I so want a rewarding job and fulfilling lifestyle. I want the freedom to take off to Egypt to volunteer for a women's rights organization or jet off to Indonesia to help natural disaster victims. I SO want to help people, damn it! But lately, hasn't the Universe pointed me in a new direction to be able to do this? Why, I ask, has there been so many road blocks or diversions?

On a beautiful dress in my yoga store there reads the following, "Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside." I'm now working on the inside...and like one of my friends told me today, I just "need to be open to opportunities and they will come."

Since I was in a relationship from the moment I was out of gradschool, perhaps my openness to opportunities has actually been closed. I don't blame my ex...we are all the drivers down our roads of life. But now I'm free and open.

Oh Universe...show me the path I am meant to take because I'm ready. I'm finally ready.

Being Present

Laying back into Shivasana tonight after a yummy yoga session with my favorite teacher, I couldn't calm my mind. I was happy, for sure, as I had just dedicated my entire session to my best friend (we dedicate our sessions in her class to someone each time for different reasons) and I was thinking about her, what she has taught me since I met her 6 years ago; how she changed the way I think about many aspects of my life; how she introduced me to an amazing group of woman in NY when I first moved there - women who also have had an impact on my life and I was thinking about how much I loved and missed her and how I wish we could turn back time to a walk in Central Park or a dinner at yummy Italian restaurant tucked away in the East Village.

So my heart was pretty open and happy when I heard an internal voice - a voice that I have been hearing more and more often. The voice was speaking to my Ex. She was saying how it was time to let him go out of my life. Completely. That sometimes people serve a purpose in your life and even when you think they will always be there, sometimes it's just time to complete your time with them. I heard the voice tell him how hard it was to move forward when he was still a part of me. And that it was ok that we would never speak again or share time; that it didn't work but that it didn't mean that he was or I am a terrible person. Our walk together had its good and bad times and those are a part of my make-up now but that now...now I needed him to leave me. The voice asked him to go and thanked him for what he will always be for me.

And then I came to and I was back in the yoga studio surrounded by yogis and yoginis and the voice of my teacher calling us back to end the session.

As I drove home, I thought about the finality of saying goodbye with your heart. I said it with my mouth but my heart wasn't ready. I wondered if I was capable of actually saying to my Ex what my heart said to him. Did I need to say it to him or did the Universe traverse the Earth and do it for me? Something in me has felt for so long that I couldn't live without him and that there was something wrong or unworthy about me and that is why he left me. Then thoughts about the men I have had pass through my life since him and I understand more fully why my heart has had such a hard time feeling anything..anything at all for them. In their embrace, I have felt numb. My heart seems to be somewhere in between the forgetting and the remembering - like it wants to allow ME to be open to healing but closed to letting any unworthy male (or person for that matter) in far enough to destroy the beautiful flora I'm attempting to cultivate in my heart. I heard that same inner voice tell me to be strong enough to realize that until I'm ready to be loved...until I truly love myself...every encounter I have with a man will be meaningless. And therefore, why have them?

In that space of just being present, I came to terms with my heart. Imagine what could happen if time were more abundant.

Open hearts

If I'm still enough, I hear her voice. Where before, not too long ago, her voice was a faint whisper, now I can tell that she's growing more confident. I don't remember the last time in my life when I heard my heart speak so clearly as it does now. It's still somewhat of a murmur compared to where I remember it being once-upon-a-time but still, time has done her beautiful healing and I feel like even if now is a season for dying, I feel a rekindling of hope lighting inside of me.

I accredit my ability to keep my heart open to my yoga practice and to the people I have chosen to surround myself with now. I continue to make bad decisions, for sure, but I am able to more easily forgive myself. Like those days in my not-so-distant past when all I could do was cry and feel sorrow, I allow myself to feel and I forgive myself of my mistakes because it is through all of this that I come to terms with my humanness. And I hear that beautiful inner voice telling me in strong language (that somehow doesn't amount to actual words)when I'm not following my true path; when I deviate from the direction my heart wants to go. And then I stop and listen...shaking my head in agreement with her. It's a marvelous place to be in life...waking up from a blurry dream and finding the world alive and beautiful spreading its tree branches, brushing up against you through a furry friend or in the embrace of a new friend who teaches you to continue to keep your heart open.

I will continue to refuse to be overrun by burdens of yesterday. Living in the present, as I have learned to do and continue learning to do, has been the best gift I could have ever received. I aspire to be someone who loves beyond the hurt and who trusts beyond the betrayal. If I never do anything else in my life, I hope that I will one day know true, "can't live without you" love.

Toes in the sand

It usually happens when I'm really tired and these days, work has been an everyday occurrence and sometimes, when I've been going on empty for a while, I am easily emotional. Today I felt like I was being haunted by images and emotions attached to my neighborhood in NJ where I lived not too long ago. The thoughts would float in, no real reason, just hanging out, saying "hi." Funny how letting your thoughts pass by like you're waving at them allows them to make no sense at all. The problem was that it wasn't just a thought, like, "I'm hungry." or "I'm tired." It was like I was transported for a moment back to driving up the steep hill that used to lead to my old apartment or along the cliffs into Manhattan. I want to let go, ignore or full-on ERASE these memories because I have so many other things I want passing through my head (like images of cute men or beautiful flowers or ANYTHING else but memories of my more recent past.)

When my last relationship ended (the one before the recent one), I was lucky enough to be scheduled to travel with my company to Australia. So many memories of that two-week trip are now blurry but one in particular remains firmly intact. I had a vision of my new direction while sitting on a beautiful beach in Adelaide, South Australia. My toes were in the sand and the sun was setting over one of the most amazing ocean horizons I've yet to be blessed enough to experience. I had just had dinner alone (as happened many times on this trip) and I was thinking about my next step. I had never considered continuing my education before that moment but after visiting several Australian universities, it became a real desire in me. I thought about doing marketing or business but like many times before then, my motivation was more to be in Australia and less to obtain a Masters but it didn't matter. Sitting on that beach in South Australia, I knew what I wanted. I was happy to be free of my dead end relationship and was beginning to embrace my future.

I then took a trip with one of my best friends to France two weeks later (a trip I had planned a long time before knowing I was going to Australia) and UPON landing in the airport in Paris, I knew... I KNEW I would return. And doing so 4 months later changed my life completely.

I haven't had a true moment of clarity on my future this time around, like I did in Adelaide. But, I have an idea of the next year or so. Trips to Spain, Romania, New York, San Francisco and then when I'm ready, India. (I've jokingly agreed to a trip to Argentina as well to see the world tango championships!) I have experiences I need and want to have now that I have no real commitments. No real job that I can't come back to. No boyfriend to work it out with. I was going to get a car, an apartment, and buy myself a new future but after my mom pointed out that wouldn't make me happy right now, I put those options on a back burner. I have things I need to do before I commit to ANYTHING. That explains why any commitment at all freaks me out.

In the meantime, I'm a workaholic who gets weepy after she gets done with a particularly tough day. It sucks and it makes me feel like my heart is not healing properly but then I breathe and look at where I'm at and the changes I've gone through and I hug myself because really? It's been a long road and I think I'm doing pretty well...considering.

Busy bee

I knew going into the evening that I wasn't emotionally ready to be at a wedding, even if I was just working as a caterer at it. I was fine with everything until the party moved to the makeshift dance floor on our restaurant patio and the bride and groom began to dance their dance. They were so in love and glowing - it was really touching. And then a girl serenaded them with an acoustic guitar singing a song I LOVE and that makes me all weepy anyway. I had to walk away. I remember walking through the dining area as they dined on the wedding dinner thinking that I don't think I have half the people they have to invite to a wedding so good thing I wasn't getting married yet. I kept saying to myself, "someday. Someday you WILL love like that again. Your heart will no longer be a hardened rock or a patched up wound. You will find someone who loves you like that." I wasn't ready to deal with love like that in such blatancy but perhaps it was good for me to see it. To show me how far I've come since those days when I felt like my life had just been wripped out of my clutching arms.

The fullness of my life right now somewhat both comforts and frightens me. I remember a time not too long ago when life was meandering along and I was wishing it would fast-forward a few months. Well, now I'm there. Busy little bee I am these days! I get caught sometimes going going going and not really thinking about what's next. And that has been good for me, I think. But if I'm honest, I am avoiding answering the question about what's next. Because really? I haven't had a good idea of that and I was in such "survive and heal" mode that thinking about the next step would just cause me more anxiety than i could handle. I need a break from planning...being ambitious...from deciding what I want to be when I grow up.

The other day on my way home from work, errands and sneaking a little time with one of my beaus, my mom called me to tell me that she had a plan for me...would I "just get home already?" I was skeptical, as I'm a "planaphobe" at the moment. Anything past my workweek's schedule is too far in advance. A week and half really freaks me out. Life could change and then I would have to deal with that and adjusting to it and well, lately? I'm not too into all that, not to mention that I suck at change. But when I got home and my wonderful mom laid out what she thought I should do, I was actually relieved. It was the plan I've hidden in my heart to do since I was freed of my longterm relationship. Being here and building friendships with my family and friends, I have become "caught between two worlds." The world where I am free as a bird - free of a plan, a man, a real job and anything that requires monthly payments - and another that is more settled, with a car payment and a lease. But through tears of (I think) relief, I agreed with her. No. I'm not ready to be settled.

My shoulders still have wings on them and the closer I get to feeling like a real human being again...like my heart isn't dark...the more I realize that I need to feed that part of my soul. Soon.

Moving on

We move on. Somehow we pick up the pieces, we move forward and our lives continue to shift in ways we may not have ever imagined possible. The funny thing is that we must move forward. We have no real choice and it would do us no good not to do so. Why wallow?

I have watched how I react to people these days and I feel like an entirely new person. I am more patient, more accepting, more willing to allow people to be who they are because I so want them to return the favor. My sister told me today that she could tell just by my new voicemail that I was back to my "old self" again...that my voice reflected my ability to move forward and be happy again. I have to be honest, I'm not completely sure I'm through these rough waters. I will be doing fine then I'll kiss a guy or hear myself say something bitter and I remember why I am exactly where I am right now. I am still healing. I am still human. And I am still trying to figure out how to get through each and every day.

Time has been my best friend these last couple of months. It has made the memories more distant and the tears, less frequent. I am so busy these days between working two jobs and enjoying a newfound freedom and social life that I haven't really wanted or been even able to stop and really consider what just happened. Like disbelief after a car accident, I still can't believe I went from being in a serious, moving forward toward marriage type of relationship and living with someone to where I am right now. I keep waiting for it to really hit me and for me to want irrational things like my ex back in my life or to be living on the other side of the world.

I have had the joys of learning to flirt and date again. It has been an interesting few months and I have allowed myself leeway to experience these moments as some sort of medication for my emotional situation. It hasn't really cured me. It has shown me how resiliant my heart is and how far from ready I remain. But the dream of someone is there. I don't know when I'll meet him (I'm hoping he'll give me some time to really have some distance from my ex) but I look forward to getting to know many men in the process and enjoying how fun it can be being single.

Stability

There I was, upside down in "Downdog" and my teacher is talking about finding inner stability and I had an "ah ha" moment: I got it. I knew what she was talking about. Only recently have I come to fully grasp what practicing yoga really means to me. When I decided to dive into yoga again earlier this year, I felt my relation to it had shifted. I know that I didn't quite understand why I felt so calm and relaxed when I was done but I would walk out and feel ten million times better than when I went in. I started trusting myself more in the poses, finding balance and hearing myself say, "I can do this." I'm not the most flexible of people and I always thought yoga hurt and there were times in my life when I did yoga that I couldn't relate to the spiritual talk that came with it. But then I lost my job at the end of February and had to take a moment to reassess what it was that I wanted to do in life. And in a moment of clarity, I knew yoga would become a big part of it.

In downdog the other day, I realized how far I have come these last couple of months. I didn't take on my new direction in life with too much poise. I cried a lot. I felt every negative emotion a human can feel. I threw things. I felt numb and sad and all the other emotions we as humans run from. And every time I had those feelings, I would find my way onto my yoga mat and I felt like I was coming home. I can only attribute it to the feeling I would get after a long challenging day and falling into my lover's arms. Or my mom's. It was like I was able to let go, refocus, and would come away feeling inspired.

Upside down, I realized and accepted at the same time that I have always sought stability in other people. It took me moving to another country to learn to make decisions about my life on my own without consulting my mom, sister or friends. When people ask me why I have chosen the path I have in life, I haven't always known how to respond. Now I just tell them that I've done it because it has taught me to rely on myself in ways that living at home never would have. I can lie and say that I've always been an independent person but the loss of direction and self-worth I felt when my last relationship ended reminded me that I have been seeking stability and direction in someone other than myself. How absolutely co-dependent was I?!

My inner voices spoke in yoga the other day (which is why I adore yoga so much - it's OK that I am listening to that inner dialogue) one part of me stating that I wanted so badly to find stability and the other answer, "you're looking in the wrong places." I have a feeling that once I find my inner stability...once I can say without a doubt that I am happy being on my own, that I am confident in my choices and direction...that I am in love with the woman I am...well then I will have stability. And that stability will be with me no matter where I go.

And then I'll be free.

Breezes in the shade

I sat with a new friend tonight bantering back and forth about nothing in particular but just enjoying a playful conversation. At one point, I told him that when I initially met him, I thought he was an angel but now that I knew him, I saw the halo above his head was nicely held up by the horns. As we laughed, I asked him what his first impression was of me (adding that it wasn't the same type of question as, "do these jeans make my ass look big?") He said that I seemed a little shy and (he paused) "insecure." I kind of sat back for a minute to digest that word. Insecure? And it occured to me that I must be sending out so many different signals to people - so many impressions that I'm unaware of at this point. I expected that he'd say, "bitter" or "sad" or "lost" but "insecure" stung because he was right. Being blindsided and heartbroken by someone you love will do all of those things to you. It will also make you numb, fearful, angry.

BUT for me? It has given me an opportunity to really LIVE life instead of accepting what I think is "the best that I can do" instead of creating opportunities. That's the meat of life, isn't it? Enjoying laughter, love, good food, deep conversations and cosmic connections? It's also about dusk overlooking a beautiful view, the smell of trees, cuddles with the kitty, inside (and often dirty) jokes with old friends and siblings...and a myriad of other aspects of life that make it so amazingly worth living.

If I retreat...if I seem to be lost inside myself in the coming months, I beg of you your understanding. I have missed me and I am trying to learn to listen to what my heart is telling me to do next. Lately she's been dreaming of stability but the inner nomad is having a hard time settling down and I'm not sure what steps to take. So I do continue to put each foot in front of the other, allowing my heart to remain open to a future of possibilities. And they will come. One day when I'm open, when I least expect it, when that door opens....it will be clear to me what I'm meant to be doing next. Until then? I know it's not worth worrying about it. Or listening to other's expectations of what I should be doing or where I should be going. In the end? I'm a single woman with the world of possibilities stretched out before me.

And I intend to make the most of this freedom.

Blooming

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

I have to admit that where I am and where I was three months ago seem like two different worlds. I have made decisions in my life that I am not proud of but the one I made to come here, to come HOME, was the best one I've made in a very long time. As I made that decision, I remember that I really felt like I was surrendering; waving a big white flag; tucking my tail between my legs. But now I am experiencing the clarity that it has brought me and I realize that it really pays to take care of yourself, to listen to your heart and to forgive yourself. The adjustment to being in a new place and facing a blank future has not been that easy for me but I have allowed myself to feel whatever it is that I feel at the moment and I have really tuned into those feelings and I feel rejuvenated.

Forgiveness is key to healing, I'm finding. There isn't a manual on how to get through heartache (trust me, I searched every bookstore and in the eyes of every friend and family member I could for it.) So forgiving yourself for making bad decisions; for doing things for the wrong reasons, and for not seeing what was clear to everyone but you....that makes all the difference. It also helps me understand, forgive and love others. I find that I am so much more accepting of other's imperfections and more forgiving of their mistakes. How can I forgive myself and not others?

My mother told me the other day that she was sure I would have left my Ex eventually and that it was just a blessing in disguise that he did it first. I told her that I may not have left him...because that person I was? She was afraid to be alone and thought that perhaps he was the best she may ever find. The look on my mother's face - the sadness for her daughter to have settled in love - reminded me that we are always a work in progress. I know better now. I am not looking for a man now...but I am not closing doors and I am learning so much about the woman I am becoming now that I have crawled out of that ravine I found myself in not long ago.

And it feels like a spiritual journey. I am happy to be alive - right where I am.

13th and Columbine

"While walking down the street or driving in your car alone today, you will start feeling a new sense of peace in your solitude. Expand this feeling by keeping to yourself as much as you can throughout the day. Move away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world, and think about the issues that are most important to you. Doing so will help build up your intuitive skills. You're in a highly suggestible phase, and you should count on your own compass for guidance."

It's amusing to me that this horoscope reading from Yahoo (of all the reliable places!)should be something I see at the end of my day. I feel like I'm just moving through the hours of my day right now without much thought about the future. I have worked hard to get to this point because as I've mentioned before, I'm a planner and not planning has never been an option. As I'm driving home from dinner with an old friend tonight I realized something that really disturbed me: I'm petrified of planning, ANYTHING, longterm especially. So I don't. And you know what? It has served me pretty well. While I find that not writing a "To Do" list has kept me from thinking about my future and that has been a relief, it has also kept me from thinking about paying bills or completing my sister's medical billing. (Sorry Sis!)

I had time to kill so I decided to get a yummy iced coffee and to walked around the neighborhood that I lived in 7 years ago. As I passed the apartment building I lived in, I saw that they had refurbished it and were selling off the apartments. I decided to see what was available to rent and how I felt being there and I heard my heart say, "this fits too." I started daydreaming about decorating my apartment, with my cat on my couch, brazilian music playing in the background and candles burning on a fireplace mantal. I actually felt excited about the prospect of living in Denver again. I know now isn't the time but I feel it's coming.

On a whim, unexpectedly, I applied for a second job at the yoga studio and store that I have been frequenting since I moved back to Colorado. They were looking for someone part-time and I thought, "why not? Free yoga." I interviewed and got the job on the same day and started working today. I LOVE the owners (native to Colorado) and the products and well, the yoga (duh!), so getting the job made me happier than I have felt about a position in a long time. When they asked me if I intended to stay in Denver I answered, "yes." Without hesitating. Because at this point? I see no other options.

I am feeling more and more like I'm exactly where I need to be. Unattached. Taking care of my needs. Paying off debt; spending quality time with family; enjoying this beautiful state and living in the moment...because it freaks me out to look too far ahead. We only have today and it serves no purpose to panic about the fact that I have no idea where I'm going, what I will be doing or SHOULD be doing and I really just want to enjoy life.

But soon...soon I will need to allow myself to dream big again. I feel closed to dreaming. I saw a shirt that said, "I go confidently in the direction of my dreams." When I feel that way...when I feel my heart open enough to trust again that dreaming doesn't end in heartache and disappointment...I will buy that shirt and wear it proudly.

Wolves in sheep's clothing...

The full moon made an attempt to peek its way out behind the clouds the other night and lightening flashed like someone taking a photo across the evening sky. The concert was packed with people dancing and singing and overall, just enjoying themselves; some high, some drunk, some both. The beat of the music moved me even though I knew very few words. I remember breathing in and closing my eyes and living, in that moment until I was ready for the next one to pass. Moments are funny like that; you can make them last for seconds or they can continue for hours. At one point, I people watched so intently that I forgot about my date who stood next to me. But when I came back to him, I would look at him and think, "hm... he's cute." He wasn't really my type: tall, blond, wearing tennis shoes and a rain jacket. My dream guy isn't that tall. He's dark, mysterious, likely foreign but now I'm totally interested those cute USA natives. And he is well, a lot more interesting and mature. I didn't get butterflies and I wasn't all nervous around him but I enjoyed his company all the same. I remember thinking to myself, "this dating thing? It's not so bad. I could learn to enjoy moments like these. There are no expectations. No future plans. No investment. No problem!"

I think the thing I have to remember when reflecting on my first post-five-year-relationship-date is that I visualized what actually came to pass moments before he rolled up to my house to pick me up. I don't expect anything. I don't WANT to expect that this guy - the "guy I agreed to go out with so that I could safely say that I crossed that bridge" is going to be anything more than the guy who came after my ex. I likely won't remember his name or his face or the way his lips tasted. He will just be that guy I went on a date with and kissed two months after ending what I thought was the love affair of my life. I was very clear in all of my actions and words that I expected nothing from him. So I enjoyed the music, the funny little things that make a first date interesting. It had been over 5 years since I "dated" anyone and I NEEDED the experience to end and begin a chapter of my life.

And so it was what it was. One night with a semi-stranger. I wasn't there 100% but I never expected to be. I remember looking at him, not really listening to what he was saying but thinking, "I never thought I'd get here." When my heart was broken not too long ago, I was sure I would never want to be in the presence of another man. That sounds dramatic but if I'm honest, I really felt that it couldn't possibly be worth all that I was feeling with such an intensity. No man was worth it, in my book. But sitting there, looking at this guy I was thankful that I at least allowed myself to be open to it again. It was proof that our hearts either forget or heal and are resilient. And I felt the page turn.

I won't lie. The date wasn't the best I've had. It was the first of many, I hope. He and I? We don't fit, in so many ways, but it's nice to know that I have it in me to allow a man into my space again. It reminds me to really evaluate who gets to enter that space again and that I have to grow thicker skin, watch for wolves in sheep's clothing, and not take anything that any man says to you seriously until he's earned it.

I'll have what she's having

I had an "ah-ha" moment in my car on my way home last night. But before I get into that moment, I must begin by saying how fabulous my car is because it forces me to do two things on a random and frequent basis: 1. Be completely aware of my car's speed by watching the flow of traffic and when that's not available (say, after 1AM), to go slower than I think I'm going because the speedometer works, ya know, when it wants to. and 2. To sit and be OK in silence because my radio? It too works when it feels like it. It's amusing every time I think about it. I have no problem with either of these issues because I like to rock out in my car but sometimes, I need the forced silence to be able to hear my thoughts, talk myself into and out of things and to digest my daily experiences. Initially I thought I wouldn't use my car much but it has been a constant companion and so these moments of silence (and heat - OH the HEAT - because the air-conditioning doesn't work either), I feel everything that much more.

So last night, after an after-dinner drink with a few of my new coworkers, I was driving home in silence thinking about a few conversations I've had with people lately. Namely, those that I’ve had with my sister and SisteroftheSun. Both have pointed out on more than one occasion that I am a serial monogamist. They may not have called it that exactly but both have reminded me that in essence, I have been in and out of serious or semi-serious relationships with men since I was 18 and have never been single for more than 8 months since that time. Let me repeat: I have not been single for longer than 8 months. And so after having fun conversations with a few of my male coworkers, flirting with the bar tender but then leaving alone yet again I felt the loneliness that has been my dedicated companion since my Ex left. Nope. I guess I just can’t get used to sleeping alone.

I have had fun, sexy and somewhat confusing dreams about men since I left NY. Sometimes I wake from those dreams, head to work and see one of the previous night’s main actors and wonder if he knows, somehow, that I had a dream that we kissed and it was yummy. I’m positive that he has no idea but I'm sure I blush all the same. The last dream, however, was just about being hand-in-hand with someone and being near him, like I used to be with my Ex for five years. I am a physical person in relationships. I enjoy the kissing and cuddles, wherever they may be, even in public (no tonsil hockey, just cuddles). So this lack of human touch at the same frequency that I was used to has been one of the hardest adjustments to being single. I admit - I hate it. You don't realize how much it happens in a relationship until you're yearning for someone to brush by you or you don't mind when coworkers give you a little grab here and there. It's pathetic; I know.

I have let my thoughts and feelings about being single be what they are, without the self judgment. But in realizing that it's mostly the physical aspect of a romantic relationship and not necessarily a need I have to be partnered with someone that I miss the most has been a welcomed realization. Maybe I'm meant to learn something about self-love and nurture that is impossible to fully understand if I'm in a relationship. And I think of the times in my future when I will be ready to allow a man into my space like that again - how very amazing that will be then. At the end of my last relationship, we were both in a desert of emotion. While we touched and hugged a lot, the intimacy was lost somewhere along the way...if it was ever there romantically. I know that this loneliness (both the physical and emotional kind) will lead me to a place where I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship; that I will find a place where I’m happy in my solitude again.

I want that. I want an inner peace and self-love. I want to be abundant in the light that shows when a woman is in love with herself. We don't see it often enough, do we? But when we do, it is like a beam that no one can deny. I saw it recently in a woman sitting down for dinner with her love. I did not even notice the guy she was with but her inner light was radiant. I remember thinking, “I’ll have whatever she’s having.”

Wading in the water...

Two of my mom's best friends came to visit her last week. These women were there when things went sour with my parent's relationship. One of them was my softball coach when I was 10 and the other's kids were our best friends growing up. These are two women that my mother loves as sisters and I count as aunts, even if they aren't by blood. So I had lunch with them and of course, they went through the updates that come with conversations with old friends.

At one point in the conversation, I don't know what triggered the question, but one of the women asked me if I felt like I had done something wrong to elicit my Ex's decision to end our relationship. In fact, it was actually a question posed as the following, "you don't feel any of those feelings like that you did something wrong or that this was somehow your fault?" I responded with: "of course." And I do. The other woman told me that it had nothing to do with me. But I know better. Relationships are never one-sided. Even if my Ex told me that it was so he could "find himself," I know better. Something, somewhere, sometime went wrong.

I have met so many people these last couple of months that tell me that they know what I feel like. It really isn't any comfort that all of these people have had their heart ripped out of their chests; that they lost a lot of weight because they couldn't muster the strength to eat and their adrenaline was so amuck that their heart rate was likely way beyond normal; that they cried themselves to sleep; that they were forever scarred by the loss of love. If I'm honest, it makes me that much more distrustful of ever falling in love again. I'm petrified of the mere thought of it.

As the time passes, I find myself learning to live this life of being single. I enjoy the freedom, the lack of accountability, the choices I now am more open to making. When I flirt, I feel no guilt. When I look at my future, I know that I am now free to spend as much time as I need finding my way. My choices affect noone but me.

But then I realize how alone I am and I know that I'm not yet at a point where that doesn't feel like something that will last the rest of my lifetime. I notice couples more than I used to. I see them in a way I never have before; walking their dog together, choosing a restaurant (like I used to with my Ex), kissing...I find myself watching them and wondering if they're really happy together. Do they fight? Does one of them love the other more? Are they really in love or just biding their time - like my Ex apparently did? Romances unfold in my restaurant and I see how one watches the other longingly as the other flirts shamelessly with everyone else. That whole dating scene? I don't want anything to do with it. It all just makes me sad. It discourages me. But mostly, it frightens me. Do I dare imagine that I will ever be capable of trusting someone after all of this? Do I still have faith in love?

I've heard the words that come out of my mouth and it is ever so apparent that I'm still not ok. I want to be. I'm doing what it takes to move through all of this shit and find my way and myself but I'm still human and the healing process is still underway.

But I still cry, when I'm alone with only the wind to remind me that this will blow over and I will someday be ready to let go of my branch. May I someday have the courage it takes to let it go.

I affirm: I did not drown. Close but I kept my head above water.

I think I siked myself out as I stood there waiting for my group to be called to the water's edge. I felt so paniked about my impending doom...er, I mean, swim, that I was blinking back tears of pure terror. I know this is a dramatic rendition of an exciting triathlon story but seriously? I kept feeling like I was walking the plank to my doom only I wasn't alone. Oh no, there were many crazy people standing in the water looking like I must've looked like, petrified and wondering, "what the hell am i doing? Maybe if I climb over there, in the commotion, they won't see me get out." But as the countdown came and went, I couldn't turn back so I got into the Arctic, I mean, the lovely cool water and began what would be long moments of my life that I cannot get back. It really wasn't bad for the first 4 minutes. I kept thinking that my heart would eventually calm down and the thought of being out in the middle of the lake would eventually not seem such a frightening thing. I was wrong. I really wasn't sure I'd be able to finish. I swam out of a pure desire to SURVIVE. And after a long time and many pitstops and moments talking to the cute volunteers in the canoes, I finally made it to the shore that seemed to mysteriously move further and further away while I was in the water.

I realized that my fear of the ocean and the lake? Yep - it's still there. I know that the liklihood of an octopus pulling me under is really slim in both situations, the possibility that it COULD happen is enough for me to enjoy the water from afar. I also realized that fear is a powerful force that, if harnessed, can do amazing things. Like, save your life when you choose to throw yourself into a lake (for fun!) with a bunch of crazy women.

To my mother and sister and those women who completed the entire triathlon - my hat is off to you. You are my heros!! The unity I felt with all of those women, and especially with my family, was enough to ellicit tears now. And to those women who competed in the triathlon after either enduring chemotherapy or surviving (yay!) breast cancer, I am in awe of your courage. I am in awe and utterly inspired.

Even if I may never do another triathlon, I am so proud that I participated this weekend. What an accomplishment for any person, but especially for those facing disease and loss. We all carried the reality of those burdens on this race with us and overcame them to cross the finish line.

Bravo!

Now what?!

The night before I left NY, I stopped by Nightbird's to say goodbye. I was obviously feeling quite a mix of emotions but mostly I was just sad. Sad that I was too scared to face the big city by myself. Sad that I had to leave my NY family and friends. Sad that I was letting my Ex have a city for which he really never had an appreciation. I always saw the City's beauty beneath, even if my judgment was clouded by a negativity I couldn't pinpoint. I learned to accept that with the good you will have to have the bad. Sadness filled me in ways I couldn't put into words and a certain fear was its company. For the first time in a very long long time, I was facing this world alone. And by that I mean, I was imagining a future of my own making. No more "WE", it was now, "I". It was both freeing and frightening at the same time.

As so I said goodbye to my beautiful friend, she handed me a few parting gifts: three books - two by Shakti Gawain about creative visualization. I had made many efforts in those first couple weeks after the breakup to read - to distract myself by delving into a book. The efforts were fruitless; I couldn't focus on one word of anything I read. In fact, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to crack a book open and comprehend what I was reading. So today I delved further into one of those books that Nightbird gave me: "Creative Visualization." I came upon the following passage and knew instantly why my friend had used the metaphor of a river to decribe life:

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At some point, each person must be willing to just let go and trust the river to carry him or her along to safety. At this point, he learns to "go with the flow" and it feels wonderful."

The whole chapter was about letting go and trusting that life will do what it must. No manipulations. Just to stop doing and allowing oneself to just be. I reread this chapter a few times. Yes...it all made fantastic sense but how could I just let go?

I started by letting go of any pride. I am both sad and excited that I own nothing but my kitty, who really isn't an object and is in fact an adorable, reliable, loving companion who freqently makes me laugh. I am both at zero and abundant in possibilities. I never asked for this situation directly but I am so thankful it is upon me. I don't know where I'm going and right now, I just have to learn to be patient with my life's river. It is taking its time winding down the way, allowing me time to heal and yet I'm still slowly but surely moving forward. I have to let go and allow life to carry me because the ground I was attached to - the shore I was holding onto so tightly - slipped from my grips and even though I thought that was where I wanted to be, now I'm so glad it released me because I feel my journey is only getting more interesting and fulfilling.

There is something more to life than what I've experienced. I'm so curious and interested and so very excited about the people I'll meet and the places I'll experience. My life is clearly abundant in ways i never thought possible. It's so fabulous that I'm now able to see the clouds clearing.

Life's too short to remain heartbroken. It's done. Now what?

May I help you?

The second night of my training as a server, I walked out of the restaurant in tears. Noone saw. It wasn't anyone's fault, necessarily. I just left feeling exhausted and perhaps that's where the tears initally came from. I had forgotten how much you have to know and remember when you are serving tables. Yes, it's coming back to me now like riding a bicycle but that first day, following a coworker around but not necessarily being able to do anything because I wasn't trained on anything...that felt like crap. And in the car on the way home, I blamed my Ex. It was easy: he left me to have to make the decision to leave NY, forcing me to find a new job and above all, he ripped my dreams with him to shreads. I hated him more than I had before that moment.

But then I got to train with Mr.CutiePaTutie. For 12 hours. I'm not sure why I was put with him because I did not request it. After our initial meeting when I saw hearts and diamonds, he was very standoffish with me. I'm not sure why. So I wasn't exactly excited about following him around nor was I excited about making a fool out of myself in front of him. Like forgetting to put an order in the system. Or spilling creamer all down the front of me. Or having to recite the chef's special and totally f'ing it up. I'm positive I turned a few shades of red many times. The beauty of training with him was, however, how much fun we actually had together. We bantered like pals and made sexual inuendos. It was like working with a buddy.

I got to spend 12 long hours getting to know him as a person and on a friend/coworker level and I realized how imperfect he was but how I could see right through the act he put on and see the faboulous guy I met that first night, with all of his faults. And boy does he have faults! He made mistakes like crazy the whole way through (maybe I made him nervous?) and the more he made mistakes the more comfortable and at ease I felt with him. He has a temper not too dissimilar to mine. I saw him get indignant and angry, cursing in French, and it made me smile. He relaxed and I relaxed and we had fun. I left wondering when I'd see him again and excited about going back and getting back into my new job.

In the end, it all clicked. I realized that I do enjoy working with this type of crowd more so than with the office politics of my other jobs. In a restaurant, behind the scenes, there is a culture of saying what you feel and mean in the most uncensored ways, forgiving mistakes and letting go of grudges. There is a lot of touching and ass grabbing and yelling. I found myself joking around with my boss on a level of respect but also as a pal. I look forward to working with these people and even if it's going to be difficult and I'll likely not make any money at first, this experience will give me what I was hoping it would: a distraction and a way to learn to live in the present.

Above all, it's nice to have a crush because it shows me how resiliant my heart can be. It's just a crush, after all. I'm able to focus on my healing and my life but I'm also able to laugh and enjoy myself. After my heart's ass was kicked, I felt I would never be able to see a man as something other than a piece of meat. Now I know that even if I want them at a distance, I can have friendships with men. They aren't ALL bad... And now I realize that my Ex is happily my Ex - my former life- and even if my past isn't that distant yet, I feel it shrinking behind me and my view turning to enjoy the scenery just in front of me. In the distance there are new challenges and dreams...and countries to be visited...but right now, I'm present to my life. And it's turning out to be a pretty nice day.

New habits

It's interesting how we cultivate new habits and let go of old, useless ones. As I stood there at the hostess stand at my new job, learning a new routine and seeing all of these new faces, I realized how easy it is to settle into a routine. I was training as a hostess and the girl training me had a nasty hangover from a recent trip to Las Vegas. She did her tasks as if blindfolded, not grasping that it was the first time I was seeing it.

I watched as all the servers completed the daily tasks, preparing for dinner: cleaning the wine glasses, cutting the butter, polishing the silverwear, sweeping...etc. I've been there, and I imagined that they weren't even present or mindful of what they were doing - likely thinking about something other than those tasks. But I sat there taking it all in. It would soon be my daily routine. It is a familiar place but with brand new faces. This new routine was upon me and even though I swore off serving tables, I have to admit that I was excited about doing it again.

It occurs to me when I least expect it that my life has changed dramatically in a short amount of time. I can feel my system still adjusting to this new environment, these new sounds, views..lifestyles. Three weeks ago I was working with investment bankers and living in the big city and today I was sharing space with cute servers and french bread. It really never ceases to amaze me how quickly your life can change. Our daily, life habits are formed without us even realizing it, really. It could be the time you take lunch or the kiss you give your loved one as you walk out the door in the morning and the way you greet them as you come together at the end of your day. These things - these stupid, minute gestures are the habits that I abruptly had to eliminate from my daily routine - and they are what I miss the most. I liked knowning that he was there - calling me, dining with me, being there just watching a show. I never minded being alone then.

Now, I feel the lonliness more. I want to go camping, eat dinner out, see a movie - and it occurs to me how much adjustment I still need to make to this new lifestyle. And even if I know my way around this place, I still feel like a foreigner. Each day I wonder when I'll leave again.

Occasionally I think back to my daily life in NY and I know that my life was becoming routine and quite frankly, I'm now thankful all this was a shocking change because it woke me up. Now I look back and I am that much more aware of how unhappy with my old life I actually was. I remember thinking, "is this the last man I'll ever kiss?"

Anais Nin wrote, "You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe that you are living. Then you read a book, or you take a trip, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symtoms of hibernating are eaily detective: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangeriuos and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. The picnic with their families. They raise children. Then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death."

For me, routine does not mean stability. All that I'm doing is new - even if the setting is familiar. I'm relearning self-reliance and rediscovering that I was a woman who was interested in so many, many things. I used to be adventurous. I used to break rules...make up my own. I used to be really, almost annoyingly independent. Now I'm a woman that second-guesses every choice she makes. I am a woman who is reteaching herself to love and accept herself. I am slowly yet insistantly finding my way back into this body of mine and I can tell that each day I'm alone, however lonely it can be, I grow stronger.

I will likely develop new habits because I know that, as humans, we are destined to be creatures of habit in some regards. However, I am thankful that this new job , however difficult it might be for me to relearn the ways of the service industry (because contrary to what people think, it does take talent and intelligence), I really do think it will teach me to live in the present and will offer me a break from my constant desire to decide what I want to be when I grow up.

Bon appetite, everyone!

Transformational Sadness

I deleted my last post because it was just plain pathetic. While I still feel somewhat pathetic for a myriad of reasons, I read back through it and the tough love email from my sis this morning and thought, "why am I still feeling this way?" It's because every time I start to feel sorry for myself and that pit in my stomach comes back, I want to write to get it out of me. I feel like the more I write it the less time it spends in me. But it's a huge disservice to my healing because I'm pushing it out instead of being a witness to it...seeing it and saying, "yep, that's what it is. That's sadness and grief." And watching it float around and allowing it to find it's way out of me instead. Instead, I see it, I let it infect my energy, my heart, my head...and instead of just being present to the fact that it's there still and dealing with it, I let it eat me.

This road I'm walking is a curious one. I'm not alone but I feel so alone. I want to find myself again - that woman that didn't need anyone to tell her that she'll be fine. The woman that didn't allow anyone to dictate how she felt about herself. The woman that knew herself. I will find her again and I will be happier. I feel like my life is going in the direction that it needs to and I am prepared to not have any expectations about it. I struggle with that on a daily basis...holding myself to high expectations - where am I going? Who will I end up being? What will I do with this one fabulous life and the chances I'm given? Will I say, "what's the worst that can happen?" Am I strong enough to fail and still get back up?

"Yoga Journal" magazine had an article that I just happened to open to last night that discussed "transformational sadness." It talked about using your heartbreak or loss and the sadness that inevitably comes with both of those as a way to open your heart even more. The author even went as far as to say that sadness can feel an awful lot like love. So I sat on my bed last night and tried to meditate, to really see the source of my sadness, to be a witness to it and to allow it to open my heart more to allow my level of compassion and love for the world to really grow. Of course, I was distracted - as meditation does not come easy to me - but I will continue to try. My sadness has transformed me and I refuse...REFUSE to let it transform me into a scared, pathetic woman who only looks inward.

You're right sis, it is time to buck up and move forward. I am walking this path as a new woman and I have an opportunity to grow from it.

Thanks for reminding me to count my blessings and live in the present.

In Africa. With my cat.

Do you think your bad handwriting could possibly keep you from getting a job? Didn't think so but 1.) that did pass like a ticker in my brain for about a day after I filled out an application for a restaurant position with the worst handwriting because I had drank an iced coffee right before going and had to use a crappy pen and 2.) it's a prime example of where my emotions are these days.

And according to many different people, having a saga of dreams about my Ex is certainly normal. Um ya, it's normal that I'm kicking his ass for cheating on me or lying to me or just plain leaving me? For five nights I have had dreams that involved my Ex as just a character or the object of my anger and receiver of several blows and hair pulling.

Last night the saga continued in Africa. With my cat. In Africa. With a lion chasing after her and me wrestling the lion to save her. (It was more like a big lion-like cat but whatever, I felt really guilty when I tossed it out the door and it rolled and looked upset.) Anyway my Ex and his freakin sister were there playing a non-interesting role - just hanging out, in my dream. Cuz that's normal. I am the first to admit that I obviously have some serious issues I'm still working through but I like that at least I'm traveling in my dreams.

Which brings me to Africa. One of my aunts, whom I haven't seen in forever, is clairvoyant. Years ago she said that she had a vision of me in Africa with an African baby on my hip. Apparently she also said that my Ex wasn't the man I'd be with but mom didn't want to burst my bubble by telling me this. I've always been inspired by the fact that my aunt saw me in Africa...a place I've always wanted to go but have been terrified about going to. I've always thought that I needed to buck up and get me some tougher skin before I headed to Africa because Africa is Africa and you need tough skin to weather those storms. There's so much humanitarian, HUMAN work to be done in Africa and since I speak French fluently, it would likely be a place I could be useful (at least in some places.) So to have a dream where I'm in Africa was pretty amazing. I must have it on the brain. And now, maybe I could end up with a beautiful African baby in my arms.

And then there's this guy I met four days after I arrived that burst all my stereotypes about Colorado. Before I decided to move, I remember conversations with my mom and others about how I just didn't think the type of guys I would want to eventually (I stress that last word - EVENTUALLY) want to pursue would be living in Colorado. I, like SisteroftheSun, have always thought I'd meet those type of men in the Field - like working in a refugee camp or as an aid worker in some NGO in Africa. But at a Vodka bar in little downtown Denver I met this guy who burst my little image of Denver men.

I thought he was really cute when he sat down; he had a Vans shirt on (skater boys were my thing in high school and really, I have always had a thing for them) and a cute little under the lip goat-te thing that I've always thought rocked on those types of men. I think I even mentioned to my friend jokingly before he even opened his mouth, that I wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home with me. Then in the course of the conversation, he just got better. We discussed world events and politics and he had insights that inspired me. He found out I spoke French and I found out that he did too - apparently he spent time in Geneva. His parents work with humanitarian organizations in Ethiopia (plus plus) and he worked in an NGO in Kosovo after the war in 1999. Mr.CutiePatutie has my degree from my alma mater. And oh ya, he spent seven years AS A CHEF in the town where I used to snowboard and spend summers in the mountains. On top of that, he is planning on heading to Africa in December to find a job in a humanitarian organization. AND he's my age. AND AND - he plays drums in a band...a GOOD band. Good grief Charlie Brown!

And he asked me for my number (never called but asked for it all the same) and invited me to see his band play.

And he works at this restaurant I'm applying for - just by coincidence. I saw him yesterday and realized one more fabulous thing - he has blue eyes too.

I walked away from my encounter with this guy that night thinking a few things, 1.) Even as wonderful as he sounds, I am so far from being ready to be with a man of his caliber and 2.) HE EXISTS.

I have so much work to do on me right now but this guy and what he represents really reminds me that if you ask for what you want in life - put it out there - sometimes, it comes to you.

Now I just need to figure my shit out and I'll be fine. FINE.

Right?

Captainless ship

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. - Alex Tan

Life passes so quickly sometimes, like a wind passing in gusts through trees. One moment you see the leaves rustle, then they stop for a time and then without warning, it rushes in and the whole tree is in a flurry. Like the wind, even if you wish it to work according to your whim, time continues to pass just as it does. People continue to live even if you find it hard to breath or open your eyes. This concept has been difficult for me to really accept these last couple of weeks. There were times when I felt like I was in my own private time warp, like in the movies where everyone around you is moving at lightening speed but you are inching along. Then there have been times I'd catch myself in the middle of a mundane task and it would hit me; all that has happened. It really feels like years since this wind of change began it's steady blowing. Life has a way of quickly changing without you really having any control over it...like the landscape of a river or the shore of an ocean.

Healing can be so confusing. My emotions have me so lost at times that I feel like I'm on a ship with no captain and no shore in site. I wake up, I eat (a bonus these days), I hug my mom, my sister, my friends, my cat and then myself...I cry, I dream (all too vividly about my past, about possible scenarios, of faceless men that take my hand.) In these darker moments, I realize that I'm not going to just get over this. It will pass - this I'm sure of - but it's the how and (more importantly) when I'm unsure of. Not sure of how or even why I should plan anymore, I find myself in a certain kind of inertia that is slowing making me boil over with anticipation and impatience. I know something big is coming. I know my future will include travel, love, adventure, creativity and moments of serenity. I know that sooner rather than later, I will find my way. The path will be clear again and I won't feel so lost inside.

But I do feel that I'm just not ready for any of that yet. Maybe I just need to sit back, drink a martini, enjoy a few laughs and rediscover what it feels like to live life instead of planning for it.