Flapping in the wind

Unlocking the door, I didn't even desire to turn on the light. I made my way to the bathroom and slid my way down the wall and placed my bare feet on the cold, recycled tile with the om sign etched in it. How did I find myself here again? Tears. Frustration. Wishing for freedom. Wishing I could run... far away, to another country, to a place noone could find me for a while, AWAY from my frustrations. I could just jump on a plane and go... somewhere else, away, ESCAPING. That oh-so-familiar urge to run scared me this time because it brought my past forward to my present. Will I ever change? Is it cowardice to want to start anew each time I'm faced with the fact that life is once again throwing me into the rough waters? And if so, what of that? What is so wrong with running? I always run to some place where I grow, where I dream again, where the problems of my life seem to fade.

I hadn't cried like that in a while - losing my breath to the point of not being able to speak clearly - hyperventilating. The tears came from that deep place - the really honest place. Had I decided a long time ago to leave? Was I facing my chance to get away - spread those formerly broken wings and soar to a new place? Why was it that returning to where I am felt more like a surrendering than going back to where I was a little over a year ago? Why does the big city call to me? Why does the "great wide open" seem like the greener pasture, always?

My every intention in this life is toward freedom yet I heard a voice inside me ask, "then why do you remain in situations that don't serve that?" And my only logical answer is "because I'm afraid." Afraid of letting go of something or someone that I might regret later. Afraid of hurting...myself and others. Afraid of being swallowed by the world and completely losing it. Completely. Utterly. Falling apart.

Freedom? A state of being free. Open heart. Fearless gaze. Wide open courage. Clear. Strong.

It all sounds like a lot of effort. My heart is tired. My mind is thought-ridden and my cat needs to be loved - I think I'll ponder spreading my wings again tomorrow.