Open hearts

If I'm still enough, I hear her voice. Where before, not too long ago, her voice was a faint whisper, now I can tell that she's growing more confident. I don't remember the last time in my life when I heard my heart speak so clearly as it does now. It's still somewhat of a murmur compared to where I remember it being once-upon-a-time but still, time has done her beautiful healing and I feel like even if now is a season for dying, I feel a rekindling of hope lighting inside of me.

I accredit my ability to keep my heart open to my yoga practice and to the people I have chosen to surround myself with now. I continue to make bad decisions, for sure, but I am able to more easily forgive myself. Like those days in my not-so-distant past when all I could do was cry and feel sorrow, I allow myself to feel and I forgive myself of my mistakes because it is through all of this that I come to terms with my humanness. And I hear that beautiful inner voice telling me in strong language (that somehow doesn't amount to actual words)when I'm not following my true path; when I deviate from the direction my heart wants to go. And then I stop and listen...shaking my head in agreement with her. It's a marvelous place to be in life...waking up from a blurry dream and finding the world alive and beautiful spreading its tree branches, brushing up against you through a furry friend or in the embrace of a new friend who teaches you to continue to keep your heart open.

I will continue to refuse to be overrun by burdens of yesterday. Living in the present, as I have learned to do and continue learning to do, has been the best gift I could have ever received. I aspire to be someone who loves beyond the hurt and who trusts beyond the betrayal. If I never do anything else in my life, I hope that I will one day know true, "can't live without you" love.

Toes in the sand

It usually happens when I'm really tired and these days, work has been an everyday occurrence and sometimes, when I've been going on empty for a while, I am easily emotional. Today I felt like I was being haunted by images and emotions attached to my neighborhood in NJ where I lived not too long ago. The thoughts would float in, no real reason, just hanging out, saying "hi." Funny how letting your thoughts pass by like you're waving at them allows them to make no sense at all. The problem was that it wasn't just a thought, like, "I'm hungry." or "I'm tired." It was like I was transported for a moment back to driving up the steep hill that used to lead to my old apartment or along the cliffs into Manhattan. I want to let go, ignore or full-on ERASE these memories because I have so many other things I want passing through my head (like images of cute men or beautiful flowers or ANYTHING else but memories of my more recent past.)

When my last relationship ended (the one before the recent one), I was lucky enough to be scheduled to travel with my company to Australia. So many memories of that two-week trip are now blurry but one in particular remains firmly intact. I had a vision of my new direction while sitting on a beautiful beach in Adelaide, South Australia. My toes were in the sand and the sun was setting over one of the most amazing ocean horizons I've yet to be blessed enough to experience. I had just had dinner alone (as happened many times on this trip) and I was thinking about my next step. I had never considered continuing my education before that moment but after visiting several Australian universities, it became a real desire in me. I thought about doing marketing or business but like many times before then, my motivation was more to be in Australia and less to obtain a Masters but it didn't matter. Sitting on that beach in South Australia, I knew what I wanted. I was happy to be free of my dead end relationship and was beginning to embrace my future.

I then took a trip with one of my best friends to France two weeks later (a trip I had planned a long time before knowing I was going to Australia) and UPON landing in the airport in Paris, I knew... I KNEW I would return. And doing so 4 months later changed my life completely.

I haven't had a true moment of clarity on my future this time around, like I did in Adelaide. But, I have an idea of the next year or so. Trips to Spain, Romania, New York, San Francisco and then when I'm ready, India. (I've jokingly agreed to a trip to Argentina as well to see the world tango championships!) I have experiences I need and want to have now that I have no real commitments. No real job that I can't come back to. No boyfriend to work it out with. I was going to get a car, an apartment, and buy myself a new future but after my mom pointed out that wouldn't make me happy right now, I put those options on a back burner. I have things I need to do before I commit to ANYTHING. That explains why any commitment at all freaks me out.

In the meantime, I'm a workaholic who gets weepy after she gets done with a particularly tough day. It sucks and it makes me feel like my heart is not healing properly but then I breathe and look at where I'm at and the changes I've gone through and I hug myself because really? It's been a long road and I think I'm doing pretty well...considering.

Busy bee

I knew going into the evening that I wasn't emotionally ready to be at a wedding, even if I was just working as a caterer at it. I was fine with everything until the party moved to the makeshift dance floor on our restaurant patio and the bride and groom began to dance their dance. They were so in love and glowing - it was really touching. And then a girl serenaded them with an acoustic guitar singing a song I LOVE and that makes me all weepy anyway. I had to walk away. I remember walking through the dining area as they dined on the wedding dinner thinking that I don't think I have half the people they have to invite to a wedding so good thing I wasn't getting married yet. I kept saying to myself, "someday. Someday you WILL love like that again. Your heart will no longer be a hardened rock or a patched up wound. You will find someone who loves you like that." I wasn't ready to deal with love like that in such blatancy but perhaps it was good for me to see it. To show me how far I've come since those days when I felt like my life had just been wripped out of my clutching arms.

The fullness of my life right now somewhat both comforts and frightens me. I remember a time not too long ago when life was meandering along and I was wishing it would fast-forward a few months. Well, now I'm there. Busy little bee I am these days! I get caught sometimes going going going and not really thinking about what's next. And that has been good for me, I think. But if I'm honest, I am avoiding answering the question about what's next. Because really? I haven't had a good idea of that and I was in such "survive and heal" mode that thinking about the next step would just cause me more anxiety than i could handle. I need a break from planning...being ambitious...from deciding what I want to be when I grow up.

The other day on my way home from work, errands and sneaking a little time with one of my beaus, my mom called me to tell me that she had a plan for me...would I "just get home already?" I was skeptical, as I'm a "planaphobe" at the moment. Anything past my workweek's schedule is too far in advance. A week and half really freaks me out. Life could change and then I would have to deal with that and adjusting to it and well, lately? I'm not too into all that, not to mention that I suck at change. But when I got home and my wonderful mom laid out what she thought I should do, I was actually relieved. It was the plan I've hidden in my heart to do since I was freed of my longterm relationship. Being here and building friendships with my family and friends, I have become "caught between two worlds." The world where I am free as a bird - free of a plan, a man, a real job and anything that requires monthly payments - and another that is more settled, with a car payment and a lease. But through tears of (I think) relief, I agreed with her. No. I'm not ready to be settled.

My shoulders still have wings on them and the closer I get to feeling like a real human being again...like my heart isn't dark...the more I realize that I need to feed that part of my soul. Soon.

Moving on

We move on. Somehow we pick up the pieces, we move forward and our lives continue to shift in ways we may not have ever imagined possible. The funny thing is that we must move forward. We have no real choice and it would do us no good not to do so. Why wallow?

I have watched how I react to people these days and I feel like an entirely new person. I am more patient, more accepting, more willing to allow people to be who they are because I so want them to return the favor. My sister told me today that she could tell just by my new voicemail that I was back to my "old self" again...that my voice reflected my ability to move forward and be happy again. I have to be honest, I'm not completely sure I'm through these rough waters. I will be doing fine then I'll kiss a guy or hear myself say something bitter and I remember why I am exactly where I am right now. I am still healing. I am still human. And I am still trying to figure out how to get through each and every day.

Time has been my best friend these last couple of months. It has made the memories more distant and the tears, less frequent. I am so busy these days between working two jobs and enjoying a newfound freedom and social life that I haven't really wanted or been even able to stop and really consider what just happened. Like disbelief after a car accident, I still can't believe I went from being in a serious, moving forward toward marriage type of relationship and living with someone to where I am right now. I keep waiting for it to really hit me and for me to want irrational things like my ex back in my life or to be living on the other side of the world.

I have had the joys of learning to flirt and date again. It has been an interesting few months and I have allowed myself leeway to experience these moments as some sort of medication for my emotional situation. It hasn't really cured me. It has shown me how resiliant my heart is and how far from ready I remain. But the dream of someone is there. I don't know when I'll meet him (I'm hoping he'll give me some time to really have some distance from my ex) but I look forward to getting to know many men in the process and enjoying how fun it can be being single.