I catch my reflection in a window as I briskly walk to work and I hear myself ask, "Who is she?" There are mirrors above many of the tables at the bistro and sometimes, when I'm greeting a table and putting on my act, I look up and think, "That doesn't look like me." I sometimes hear my voice say something and I wonder, "where did that come from?" I don't know if it's because I'm rediscovering myself and I don't recognize this new "me" but it's starting to freak me out a little.
I went on a date the other night with what initially seemed to be a really decent guy. We chatted. Laughed. Shared stories. He said flattering things and I continued to drink my nice pinot noir. At one point, I thought, "nice. Finally, a non-schmuck." And then he heard a song he recognized and kind of out-of-nowhere starts singing to it...in the middle of the cute wine bar. It wasn't a nice, modest sing-along. Oh no! He seriously broke out into song...I could have handed him a mic. I think I might have even looked around to make sure everyone else was witnessing this interesting phenomenon. Once that episode was over, I asked for another glass of wine... I was going to need it. We continued to talk and he does it again, another favorite song. And mind-you, by then I was feeling pretty wine-nice (you all know the feeling, right?) I kind of chuckled, took a sip of my wine and then asked him to excuse me as I stumbled a little off my chair and down the hallway to the ladies chamber.
When I returned, he seemed to have collected his singin' self and we continued to chat. He asked me a question about my travels and as I'm dazzling him with my brilliance, he leaned in and kissed me. It shocked me and I should have heeded the caution alarms ringing in my head but instead, I kissed him back because Mr. SingingLawyer was pretty cute and quirky - a combo I tend to like, especially since I'm pretty quirky. He then informed me that he didn't want to freak me out but that he was trying to think of how he could "spend more time with me..." that he "doesn't want to end the date yet because it's going so well." And at that point, I'm on my third glass of wine and aware that I should stop drinking and even more aware that he was up to something but because I was clearly not ready to drive home, when he suggests we take a walk for fresh air, I agreed.
I made a deal with myself when I moved here that I would live in the moment because my life had shown me that our time here is just too short. In that moment, walking with this cute guy to sober up seemed like a really good idea. So we walked for a little while, he leans in to kiss me a few times, it's romantic - we're wild-n-crazy kids having a little fun. Then I notice that we seem to be going in the direction away from my car so I ask, "Where are we headed?" He says, "Well, I thought I'd play you a little guitar." I'm a sucker for a few things and the f'ing acoustic guitar has suckered me a few times ....this was going to be one of them.
It is at this point that I tell that inner nagging voice to shut it. She's telling me, "um, hello?! Don't fall for it you idiot! He's just trying to get you to his lair." I pushed that bitch in the face and continued to follow this guy. Looking back, being a woman, I realize how very dumb it was to follow this guy anywhere but I wasn't thinking correctly. I was thinking, "acoustic guitar" and "living in the moment." And if I were my friend, looking at this situation from the outside, I would smack me. It isn't like me to give in to an obvious suggestion, to put myself in possibly dangerous situations, and to fall for it. But lately? I haven't cared. I have thrown caution and obviously my inner bitch, ahem.. I mean, voice, to the wind. While nothing happened at his apartment but the promised singing (which was actually a lot more appealing than his showcase in the bar) and some good ole makin' out, I still realize how unlike me I'm being right now and how very wrong my night could have gone.
With a clear head, some cleansing mountain air and distance, I have been able to look back at this and the many other similar experiences I have had since my break-up and really see why I am not recognizing myself. Until now, I've been so forgiving of myself - knowing that there was a lot of healing and growth I came here to accomplish but realizing that I would have weak moments along the way. Plus, I was in a serious relationship for 5 whole years - who blames me for dating like it's goin' outta style?
But based on these said months of serious dating, I've decided, however hard it may be to keep with it, I am going to detox from men and back it up with laying off the enabler: red wine. I have heard my inner voice, (let's just call her Sally), screaming at me to do this since my breakup in May. I guess I had unconsciously decided that I would take men up as a game. I haven't felt anything other than lust for them. Sometimes it's just plain disdain. "They are all the same" I heard my heart say on more than one occasion. I have used them like they have used me (and I'm sure, many women) and while it has been empowering to make those choices, it has ultimately left me empty. I haven't felt necessarily guilty about it...just sad that I'm still, 6 months later, two seasons later, unable to really feel positive things for men. I am eager for the day that I can be a good match for someone. That I can offer someone without this negative relationship baggage; someone other than a very hurt, bitter and lost woman. I am empty. I have nothing to offer.
It's the right time to hibernate and to remember that I don't want a man in my life right now. It's not just that I don't need one or can't deal with one. I don't want one. They distract me and I need to be focused on healing, on figuring out how to make my next big step and being with myself. I know that until the hurt is gone, I will never be ready to let love back into my hardened heart.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Everlasting...
In the hallway between the kitchen and the bar I leaned against the wall and told him, "that's not love. That? That's just lust; plain as day." It was cute but slightly annoying how they held their hands across the table and smiled coyly at each other. It was obvious how mutual their adoration was and initially I just thought with a shrug, "cute." As I brought their drinks and their meal, they sat peacefully across the table from each other just looking all gooey-eyed and eating.. Then, as I returned to present them with a dessert menu, she had moved her chair to be seated right next to him, blocking a passageway. Our restaurant is small; it's a Bistro. We can't hire larger people because they just wouldn't be able to slink between the tables - that is how close our tables are from each other. The little act of moving her chair to be next to him put me over the edge. And the fact that they didn't even look up from their display of affection long enough for me to tell them about the crepe of the freakin' day? I asked, God with fists in the air, "WHY?!!!"
All my coworkers were talking about the annoyancy of the "lovebirds." All I could say was, "Bleh. That's not love. I don't want that. That isn't even real."
That same night, at the same time, I had had a lovely table comprised of two couples that were so nice. They had asked me at one point what I thought of Denver. When I replied, "it's nice but sometimes, a little too small," the older woman asked, "Where would you go if you could?" "Paris", I told her, without hesitation. She told me, "Don't wait." I didn't think much of it and smiled, agreeing with her, "I can't wait very much longer, actually." She smiled and I poured her wine.
And then as I was closing their check at the computer, I notice a bunch of people surrounding someone outside. One fellow server came in saying, "some old guy is going to die on our patio." I noticed it was my old guy from my fabulous table. I ran outside to see the older gentleman sitting on the chair, pale, eyes closed and in the arms of his wife, who held his head in such a loving, gentle manner that I stood there speechless. The other couple that had been with them had split up with one calling the hospital and the other running for the car. When they recognized me, the woman calling the hospital somehow choked out, "he's got cancer. He's going through chemo and...." I hugged her. I didn't know her but I hugged her because I had no idea of what else to do.
As I walked back into the restaurant to see what was being done and collect myself, I looked back through the window to see the wife of the man kissing the top of his head, so lovingly. I turned again to my coworker with whom I had had the conversation about my lovebird table, pointed at the woman holding her man and said, "THAT is love. That is the type of love that I want..the "holdyourheadwhileyou'redying" kind of love.
I almost lost it right there as I realized how humble and powerless it must be to know that the love of your life is dying. To love someone THAT much, know that your days are numbered but to stay there, holding their head as they go from the big, strong man that walked so confidently beside you to a man dying of such a horrid disease, weak from the battle and obviously hanging on by a thread. That is love in it's purest form.
I went into our bathroom and prayed no one entered as I sobbed for them. I sobbed because I thought I knew love but I was wrong. The whole time I was with my Ex, I knew that he would never have been that person for me.
That love is rare but seeing it so raw that evening? I felt a flicker of hope light that candle that had burned out in my heart when I thought love left me.
All my coworkers were talking about the annoyancy of the "lovebirds." All I could say was, "Bleh. That's not love. I don't want that. That isn't even real."
That same night, at the same time, I had had a lovely table comprised of two couples that were so nice. They had asked me at one point what I thought of Denver. When I replied, "it's nice but sometimes, a little too small," the older woman asked, "Where would you go if you could?" "Paris", I told her, without hesitation. She told me, "Don't wait." I didn't think much of it and smiled, agreeing with her, "I can't wait very much longer, actually." She smiled and I poured her wine.
And then as I was closing their check at the computer, I notice a bunch of people surrounding someone outside. One fellow server came in saying, "some old guy is going to die on our patio." I noticed it was my old guy from my fabulous table. I ran outside to see the older gentleman sitting on the chair, pale, eyes closed and in the arms of his wife, who held his head in such a loving, gentle manner that I stood there speechless. The other couple that had been with them had split up with one calling the hospital and the other running for the car. When they recognized me, the woman calling the hospital somehow choked out, "he's got cancer. He's going through chemo and...." I hugged her. I didn't know her but I hugged her because I had no idea of what else to do.
As I walked back into the restaurant to see what was being done and collect myself, I looked back through the window to see the wife of the man kissing the top of his head, so lovingly. I turned again to my coworker with whom I had had the conversation about my lovebird table, pointed at the woman holding her man and said, "THAT is love. That is the type of love that I want..the "holdyourheadwhileyou'redying" kind of love.
I almost lost it right there as I realized how humble and powerless it must be to know that the love of your life is dying. To love someone THAT much, know that your days are numbered but to stay there, holding their head as they go from the big, strong man that walked so confidently beside you to a man dying of such a horrid disease, weak from the battle and obviously hanging on by a thread. That is love in it's purest form.
I went into our bathroom and prayed no one entered as I sobbed for them. I sobbed because I thought I knew love but I was wrong. The whole time I was with my Ex, I knew that he would never have been that person for me.
That love is rare but seeing it so raw that evening? I felt a flicker of hope light that candle that had burned out in my heart when I thought love left me.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Direction
As my stepdad contorted his body underneath my little red car, I had a flashback to my earlier days when my car would have engine issues or be in need of an oil change and I would look pathetically at my brother or stepdad and hope they took pity on me and fixed the issue. I felt like I was 16 again when I knew nothing about what they were looking at, could really care less about the details of it but would graciously stand there and give them whatever weird tool or assistance they needed. He was trying to figure out what oil was leaking and where and more importantly, how to make it stop so as to avoid having the homeowner's association sending us another letter about something we've done wrong. He grumbled something about how my brother must've put it all together but missed a bolt of some sort (like I said, grumbling + my ignorance about cars ='s lack of details) and that is why it's leaking. He went on to say that unless we wanted to take the car apart again, it was going to continue leaking and then said something about how it's just like my brother to leave things undone.
I love my brother and while I agree sometimes that he starts things only to leave them incomplete for one reason or another, I felt it was unfair of him to say this about the car. My big loving, amazingly generous brother put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this car (his car!) to make it workable so his broken-hearted little sister could have transportation. My retort to my stepdad's comment? "Geesh, what do you disagree with about my life or choices?" I said it jokingly but he got it. His response was, "well, your mom and I know that you've had to go through what you have as a part of growing up but...but I do think it would be terrible to waste your education working at a yoga store and restaurant." Ouch....ouch but true.
Practically in tears I told him, like a 16-year-old would that I was tired of trying to find a job in my field - trying to improve human rights or solve the world's problems - only to be let down because I'm unqualified or to be paid NOTHING to do it because it's for a good cause. I've tried this...remember? Remember D.C.? Paris? New York? Unpaid internships and unrewarding work behind a desk for people who judge your abilities initially and pretty much along the way by what stupid school you were able to get into?
I'm so tired of having my WORTH and career path decided based not on my ability to do a job (cuz I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to) but things beyond my control. I've put in my time doing mindless work where I swallowed my pride on a daily basis because I thought it would pay off. It hasn't. I've accepted that.
I want an abundance of love and joy in my life. I so want a rewarding job and fulfilling lifestyle. I want the freedom to take off to Egypt to volunteer for a women's rights organization or jet off to Indonesia to help natural disaster victims. I SO want to help people, damn it! But lately, hasn't the Universe pointed me in a new direction to be able to do this? Why, I ask, has there been so many road blocks or diversions?
On a beautiful dress in my yoga store there reads the following, "Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside." I'm now working on the inside...and like one of my friends told me today, I just "need to be open to opportunities and they will come."
Since I was in a relationship from the moment I was out of gradschool, perhaps my openness to opportunities has actually been closed. I don't blame my ex...we are all the drivers down our roads of life. But now I'm free and open.
Oh Universe...show me the path I am meant to take because I'm ready. I'm finally ready.
I love my brother and while I agree sometimes that he starts things only to leave them incomplete for one reason or another, I felt it was unfair of him to say this about the car. My big loving, amazingly generous brother put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this car (his car!) to make it workable so his broken-hearted little sister could have transportation. My retort to my stepdad's comment? "Geesh, what do you disagree with about my life or choices?" I said it jokingly but he got it. His response was, "well, your mom and I know that you've had to go through what you have as a part of growing up but...but I do think it would be terrible to waste your education working at a yoga store and restaurant." Ouch....ouch but true.
Practically in tears I told him, like a 16-year-old would that I was tired of trying to find a job in my field - trying to improve human rights or solve the world's problems - only to be let down because I'm unqualified or to be paid NOTHING to do it because it's for a good cause. I've tried this...remember? Remember D.C.? Paris? New York? Unpaid internships and unrewarding work behind a desk for people who judge your abilities initially and pretty much along the way by what stupid school you were able to get into?
I'm so tired of having my WORTH and career path decided based not on my ability to do a job (cuz I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to) but things beyond my control. I've put in my time doing mindless work where I swallowed my pride on a daily basis because I thought it would pay off. It hasn't. I've accepted that.
I want an abundance of love and joy in my life. I so want a rewarding job and fulfilling lifestyle. I want the freedom to take off to Egypt to volunteer for a women's rights organization or jet off to Indonesia to help natural disaster victims. I SO want to help people, damn it! But lately, hasn't the Universe pointed me in a new direction to be able to do this? Why, I ask, has there been so many road blocks or diversions?
On a beautiful dress in my yoga store there reads the following, "Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside." I'm now working on the inside...and like one of my friends told me today, I just "need to be open to opportunities and they will come."
Since I was in a relationship from the moment I was out of gradschool, perhaps my openness to opportunities has actually been closed. I don't blame my ex...we are all the drivers down our roads of life. But now I'm free and open.
Oh Universe...show me the path I am meant to take because I'm ready. I'm finally ready.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Being Present
Laying back into Shivasana tonight after a yummy yoga session with my favorite teacher, I couldn't calm my mind. I was happy, for sure, as I had just dedicated my entire session to my best friend (we dedicate our sessions in her class to someone each time for different reasons) and I was thinking about her, what she has taught me since I met her 6 years ago; how she changed the way I think about many aspects of my life; how she introduced me to an amazing group of woman in NY when I first moved there - women who also have had an impact on my life and I was thinking about how much I loved and missed her and how I wish we could turn back time to a walk in Central Park or a dinner at yummy Italian restaurant tucked away in the East Village.
So my heart was pretty open and happy when I heard an internal voice - a voice that I have been hearing more and more often. The voice was speaking to my Ex. She was saying how it was time to let him go out of my life. Completely. That sometimes people serve a purpose in your life and even when you think they will always be there, sometimes it's just time to complete your time with them. I heard the voice tell him how hard it was to move forward when he was still a part of me. And that it was ok that we would never speak again or share time; that it didn't work but that it didn't mean that he was or I am a terrible person. Our walk together had its good and bad times and those are a part of my make-up now but that now...now I needed him to leave me. The voice asked him to go and thanked him for what he will always be for me.
And then I came to and I was back in the yoga studio surrounded by yogis and yoginis and the voice of my teacher calling us back to end the session.
As I drove home, I thought about the finality of saying goodbye with your heart. I said it with my mouth but my heart wasn't ready. I wondered if I was capable of actually saying to my Ex what my heart said to him. Did I need to say it to him or did the Universe traverse the Earth and do it for me? Something in me has felt for so long that I couldn't live without him and that there was something wrong or unworthy about me and that is why he left me. Then thoughts about the men I have had pass through my life since him and I understand more fully why my heart has had such a hard time feeling anything..anything at all for them. In their embrace, I have felt numb. My heart seems to be somewhere in between the forgetting and the remembering - like it wants to allow ME to be open to healing but closed to letting any unworthy male (or person for that matter) in far enough to destroy the beautiful flora I'm attempting to cultivate in my heart. I heard that same inner voice tell me to be strong enough to realize that until I'm ready to be loved...until I truly love myself...every encounter I have with a man will be meaningless. And therefore, why have them?
In that space of just being present, I came to terms with my heart. Imagine what could happen if time were more abundant.
So my heart was pretty open and happy when I heard an internal voice - a voice that I have been hearing more and more often. The voice was speaking to my Ex. She was saying how it was time to let him go out of my life. Completely. That sometimes people serve a purpose in your life and even when you think they will always be there, sometimes it's just time to complete your time with them. I heard the voice tell him how hard it was to move forward when he was still a part of me. And that it was ok that we would never speak again or share time; that it didn't work but that it didn't mean that he was or I am a terrible person. Our walk together had its good and bad times and those are a part of my make-up now but that now...now I needed him to leave me. The voice asked him to go and thanked him for what he will always be for me.
And then I came to and I was back in the yoga studio surrounded by yogis and yoginis and the voice of my teacher calling us back to end the session.
As I drove home, I thought about the finality of saying goodbye with your heart. I said it with my mouth but my heart wasn't ready. I wondered if I was capable of actually saying to my Ex what my heart said to him. Did I need to say it to him or did the Universe traverse the Earth and do it for me? Something in me has felt for so long that I couldn't live without him and that there was something wrong or unworthy about me and that is why he left me. Then thoughts about the men I have had pass through my life since him and I understand more fully why my heart has had such a hard time feeling anything..anything at all for them. In their embrace, I have felt numb. My heart seems to be somewhere in between the forgetting and the remembering - like it wants to allow ME to be open to healing but closed to letting any unworthy male (or person for that matter) in far enough to destroy the beautiful flora I'm attempting to cultivate in my heart. I heard that same inner voice tell me to be strong enough to realize that until I'm ready to be loved...until I truly love myself...every encounter I have with a man will be meaningless. And therefore, why have them?
In that space of just being present, I came to terms with my heart. Imagine what could happen if time were more abundant.
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