Captainless ship

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. - Alex Tan

Life passes so quickly sometimes, like a wind passing in gusts through trees. One moment you see the leaves rustle, then they stop for a time and then without warning, it rushes in and the whole tree is in a flurry. Like the wind, even if you wish it to work according to your whim, time continues to pass just as it does. People continue to live even if you find it hard to breath or open your eyes. This concept has been difficult for me to really accept these last couple of weeks. There were times when I felt like I was in my own private time warp, like in the movies where everyone around you is moving at lightening speed but you are inching along. Then there have been times I'd catch myself in the middle of a mundane task and it would hit me; all that has happened. It really feels like years since this wind of change began it's steady blowing. Life has a way of quickly changing without you really having any control over it...like the landscape of a river or the shore of an ocean.

Healing can be so confusing. My emotions have me so lost at times that I feel like I'm on a ship with no captain and no shore in site. I wake up, I eat (a bonus these days), I hug my mom, my sister, my friends, my cat and then myself...I cry, I dream (all too vividly about my past, about possible scenarios, of faceless men that take my hand.) In these darker moments, I realize that I'm not going to just get over this. It will pass - this I'm sure of - but it's the how and (more importantly) when I'm unsure of. Not sure of how or even why I should plan anymore, I find myself in a certain kind of inertia that is slowing making me boil over with anticipation and impatience. I know something big is coming. I know my future will include travel, love, adventure, creativity and moments of serenity. I know that sooner rather than later, I will find my way. The path will be clear again and I won't feel so lost inside.

But I do feel that I'm just not ready for any of that yet. Maybe I just need to sit back, drink a martini, enjoy a few laughs and rediscover what it feels like to live life instead of planning for it.