Lucky

I initially couldn't spit the words out. How do you tell someone you love that you want freedom? Look them in the eyes and watch YOUR words cause tears?

But how could I not say those words? Continue to pretend like the flame was there - like I so wanted it to be? I SO wanted this to work like a fairy tale. It just doesn't work like that. It's impossible to fit the wrong piece into your puzzle...it isn't ever going to complete the picture. And that fact is a hard one to face.

More difficult still is the one I face on my own. Interestingly enough when my friend said that she worked "better" in a relationship, I realized I didn't want to admit that I did too. For so long...for too long some would say...I had been in a relationship. I didn't even see it. And then, as I have grown to know myself more, the minute I let go, panic set in. Pure, humble, unabashed FEAR of being on my own.

Who am I if not someone in love? The sharp edge of that fear of being alone - was palpable.

Had I remained in relationships past their expiration simply because I wanted to be loved? They loved me and therefore, wasn't I LUCKY? Lucky to have a man hold my hand. Lucky to have a man spoon me to sleep? Lucky to hear, "Love you", at the end of a phone conversation - even if it was minutes before I was to see them? Lucky to sit across from a man at dinner, sharing wine and conversation in candlelit scenes? Lucky to be some man's "girlfriend?" Lucky...so so lucky...to be an object of someone's affection?

Pathetic. Sad. I thought I was stronger - more independent than that. I thought my integrity wouldn't allow me to base my feelings about myself ON A MAN. Had I been doing it without fully realizing (or accepting) it?

As I said goodbye to my beau...to the man who held my hand as I had taken the steps in a new direction in life...I watched my desire to be free and WHOLE overrule my fear of being alone. Torn. Conflicted. Unsure. Unable to say it more than once....I had still finally said it and I was petrified. I had romantic ideas about being "single" before. But in reality, I am already really lonely...and afraid. Will I ever find a man that fits my puzzle? Am I an idiot to let a really amazing man go just because he doesn't make my heart race? I'm dismayed by love now. Will I recover?

Perhaps...even if it doesn't feel like it's going to happen...having been able to love again after so much breakage of my heart, should be reassuring.

Now the question remains....who does the Universe have in store for me?