Detoxifying to find me

I catch my reflection in a window as I briskly walk to work and I hear myself ask, "Who is she?" There are mirrors above many of the tables at the bistro and sometimes, when I'm greeting a table and putting on my act, I look up and think, "That doesn't look like me." I sometimes hear my voice say something and I wonder, "where did that come from?" I don't know if it's because I'm rediscovering myself and I don't recognize this new "me" but it's starting to freak me out a little.

I went on a date the other night with what initially seemed to be a really decent guy. We chatted. Laughed. Shared stories. He said flattering things and I continued to drink my nice pinot noir. At one point, I thought, "nice. Finally, a non-schmuck." And then he heard a song he recognized and kind of out-of-nowhere starts singing to it...in the middle of the cute wine bar. It wasn't a nice, modest sing-along. Oh no! He seriously broke out into song...I could have handed him a mic. I think I might have even looked around to make sure everyone else was witnessing this interesting phenomenon. Once that episode was over, I asked for another glass of wine... I was going to need it. We continued to talk and he does it again, another favorite song. And mind-you, by then I was feeling pretty wine-nice (you all know the feeling, right?) I kind of chuckled, took a sip of my wine and then asked him to excuse me as I stumbled a little off my chair and down the hallway to the ladies chamber.

When I returned, he seemed to have collected his singin' self and we continued to chat. He asked me a question about my travels and as I'm dazzling him with my brilliance, he leaned in and kissed me. It shocked me and I should have heeded the caution alarms ringing in my head but instead, I kissed him back because Mr. SingingLawyer was pretty cute and quirky - a combo I tend to like, especially since I'm pretty quirky. He then informed me that he didn't want to freak me out but that he was trying to think of how he could "spend more time with me..." that he "doesn't want to end the date yet because it's going so well." And at that point, I'm on my third glass of wine and aware that I should stop drinking and even more aware that he was up to something but because I was clearly not ready to drive home, when he suggests we take a walk for fresh air, I agreed.

I made a deal with myself when I moved here that I would live in the moment because my life had shown me that our time here is just too short. In that moment, walking with this cute guy to sober up seemed like a really good idea. So we walked for a little while, he leans in to kiss me a few times, it's romantic - we're wild-n-crazy kids having a little fun. Then I notice that we seem to be going in the direction away from my car so I ask, "Where are we headed?" He says, "Well, I thought I'd play you a little guitar." I'm a sucker for a few things and the f'ing acoustic guitar has suckered me a few times ....this was going to be one of them.

It is at this point that I tell that inner nagging voice to shut it. She's telling me, "um, hello?! Don't fall for it you idiot! He's just trying to get you to his lair." I pushed that bitch in the face and continued to follow this guy. Looking back, being a woman, I realize how very dumb it was to follow this guy anywhere but I wasn't thinking correctly. I was thinking, "acoustic guitar" and "living in the moment." And if I were my friend, looking at this situation from the outside, I would smack me. It isn't like me to give in to an obvious suggestion, to put myself in possibly dangerous situations, and to fall for it. But lately? I haven't cared. I have thrown caution and obviously my inner bitch, ahem.. I mean, voice, to the wind. While nothing happened at his apartment but the promised singing (which was actually a lot more appealing than his showcase in the bar) and some good ole makin' out, I still realize how unlike me I'm being right now and how very wrong my night could have gone.

With a clear head, some cleansing mountain air and distance, I have been able to look back at this and the many other similar experiences I have had since my break-up and really see why I am not recognizing myself. Until now, I've been so forgiving of myself - knowing that there was a lot of healing and growth I came here to accomplish but realizing that I would have weak moments along the way. Plus, I was in a serious relationship for 5 whole years - who blames me for dating like it's goin' outta style?

But based on these said months of serious dating, I've decided, however hard it may be to keep with it, I am going to detox from men and back it up with laying off the enabler: red wine. I have heard my inner voice, (let's just call her Sally), screaming at me to do this since my breakup in May. I guess I had unconsciously decided that I would take men up as a game. I haven't felt anything other than lust for them. Sometimes it's just plain disdain. "They are all the same" I heard my heart say on more than one occasion. I have used them like they have used me (and I'm sure, many women) and while it has been empowering to make those choices, it has ultimately left me empty. I haven't felt necessarily guilty about it...just sad that I'm still, 6 months later, two seasons later, unable to really feel positive things for men. I am eager for the day that I can be a good match for someone. That I can offer someone without this negative relationship baggage; someone other than a very hurt, bitter and lost woman. I am empty. I have nothing to offer.

It's the right time to hibernate and to remember that I don't want a man in my life right now. It's not just that I don't need one or can't deal with one. I don't want one. They distract me and I need to be focused on healing, on figuring out how to make my next big step and being with myself. I know that until the hurt is gone, I will never be ready to let love back into my hardened heart.