Direction

As my stepdad contorted his body underneath my little red car, I had a flashback to my earlier days when my car would have engine issues or be in need of an oil change and I would look pathetically at my brother or stepdad and hope they took pity on me and fixed the issue. I felt like I was 16 again when I knew nothing about what they were looking at, could really care less about the details of it but would graciously stand there and give them whatever weird tool or assistance they needed. He was trying to figure out what oil was leaking and where and more importantly, how to make it stop so as to avoid having the homeowner's association sending us another letter about something we've done wrong. He grumbled something about how my brother must've put it all together but missed a bolt of some sort (like I said, grumbling + my ignorance about cars ='s lack of details) and that is why it's leaking. He went on to say that unless we wanted to take the car apart again, it was going to continue leaking and then said something about how it's just like my brother to leave things undone.

I love my brother and while I agree sometimes that he starts things only to leave them incomplete for one reason or another, I felt it was unfair of him to say this about the car. My big loving, amazingly generous brother put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this car (his car!) to make it workable so his broken-hearted little sister could have transportation. My retort to my stepdad's comment? "Geesh, what do you disagree with about my life or choices?" I said it jokingly but he got it. His response was, "well, your mom and I know that you've had to go through what you have as a part of growing up but...but I do think it would be terrible to waste your education working at a yoga store and restaurant." Ouch....ouch but true.

Practically in tears I told him, like a 16-year-old would that I was tired of trying to find a job in my field - trying to improve human rights or solve the world's problems - only to be let down because I'm unqualified or to be paid NOTHING to do it because it's for a good cause. I've tried this...remember? Remember D.C.? Paris? New York? Unpaid internships and unrewarding work behind a desk for people who judge your abilities initially and pretty much along the way by what stupid school you were able to get into?

I'm so tired of having my WORTH and career path decided based not on my ability to do a job (cuz I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to) but things beyond my control. I've put in my time doing mindless work where I swallowed my pride on a daily basis because I thought it would pay off. It hasn't. I've accepted that.

I want an abundance of love and joy in my life. I so want a rewarding job and fulfilling lifestyle. I want the freedom to take off to Egypt to volunteer for a women's rights organization or jet off to Indonesia to help natural disaster victims. I SO want to help people, damn it! But lately, hasn't the Universe pointed me in a new direction to be able to do this? Why, I ask, has there been so many road blocks or diversions?

On a beautiful dress in my yoga store there reads the following, "Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside." I'm now working on the inside...and like one of my friends told me today, I just "need to be open to opportunities and they will come."

Since I was in a relationship from the moment I was out of gradschool, perhaps my openness to opportunities has actually been closed. I don't blame my ex...we are all the drivers down our roads of life. But now I'm free and open.

Oh Universe...show me the path I am meant to take because I'm ready. I'm finally ready.