Finding a balance

"Tell me...what is my imbalance" I insist as I change lanes.

"Well, for starters...your heart is still broken." I chuckle and say something along the lines of, "what ever gave you that idea?"

It wouldn't be the image of me sobbing in your arms the other night, would it? It wouldn't be my inability to let you in? Or how about my arm holding you just far enough that you can't hurt me? It's in the way that you can tell that my heart, regardless of however open I'd like it to be, has a huge stone wall around it right now.

Sometimes it's there - that balance. The balance between happy and sad, here and there, left and right, yes and no, the future and the past. Perhaps the "balance" is the present - the one sure thing we have. I find it sometimes when I'm going through asanas in yoga - the breathing, in and out, keeps me focused enough that I find that place where it all aligns and I am strong, standing on one leg, ok with the sway, feeling the peace that comes when it's there, that balance. But other moments, I fall out of the pose, laugh it off and get right back up there to try it - over and again. On more than one occasion, I have pushed my limits - trying poses that I would not have had the courage to attempt and it's in those moments that I know I'm healing - maybe not at the speed I'd like but...I'm healing.

And I know that I'm learning how to find a balance in my life. On beautiful fall Colorado days like today, I am so thankful I made the choice to come here. I feel like I belong here, like for the first time in years that it's home and a great one at that. Walking on autumn leaves, I realize how much I want to embrace life fully - live in the present moment and know that it the only thing I can truly hold onto. And then I hear a song that takes me to a faraway place or I see the white roofs of Paris and my heart yearns to fly. Then I feel the imbalance - between living here, in this moment and wanting to experience the vastness and beautiful colors of our world. It's like being pulled in opposite directions and it leaves me wondering if I will ever be capable of having both - a life of stability and excitement, alone and social moments, sleep and wakefulness. It's all about finding that balance.

He was right about the foundation of my imbalance being a somewhat tender and still broken heart. I can hide it and nurture it and ignore it a little but it's there still, finding its way....finding its balance.