Breezes in the shade

I sat with a new friend tonight bantering back and forth about nothing in particular but just enjoying a playful conversation. At one point, I told him that when I initially met him, I thought he was an angel but now that I knew him, I saw the halo above his head was nicely held up by the horns. As we laughed, I asked him what his first impression was of me (adding that it wasn't the same type of question as, "do these jeans make my ass look big?") He said that I seemed a little shy and (he paused) "insecure." I kind of sat back for a minute to digest that word. Insecure? And it occured to me that I must be sending out so many different signals to people - so many impressions that I'm unaware of at this point. I expected that he'd say, "bitter" or "sad" or "lost" but "insecure" stung because he was right. Being blindsided and heartbroken by someone you love will do all of those things to you. It will also make you numb, fearful, angry.

BUT for me? It has given me an opportunity to really LIVE life instead of accepting what I think is "the best that I can do" instead of creating opportunities. That's the meat of life, isn't it? Enjoying laughter, love, good food, deep conversations and cosmic connections? It's also about dusk overlooking a beautiful view, the smell of trees, cuddles with the kitty, inside (and often dirty) jokes with old friends and siblings...and a myriad of other aspects of life that make it so amazingly worth living.

If I retreat...if I seem to be lost inside myself in the coming months, I beg of you your understanding. I have missed me and I am trying to learn to listen to what my heart is telling me to do next. Lately she's been dreaming of stability but the inner nomad is having a hard time settling down and I'm not sure what steps to take. So I do continue to put each foot in front of the other, allowing my heart to remain open to a future of possibilities. And they will come. One day when I'm open, when I least expect it, when that door opens....it will be clear to me what I'm meant to be doing next. Until then? I know it's not worth worrying about it. Or listening to other's expectations of what I should be doing or where I should be going. In the end? I'm a single woman with the world of possibilities stretched out before me.

And I intend to make the most of this freedom.