13th and Columbine

"While walking down the street or driving in your car alone today, you will start feeling a new sense of peace in your solitude. Expand this feeling by keeping to yourself as much as you can throughout the day. Move away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world, and think about the issues that are most important to you. Doing so will help build up your intuitive skills. You're in a highly suggestible phase, and you should count on your own compass for guidance."

It's amusing to me that this horoscope reading from Yahoo (of all the reliable places!)should be something I see at the end of my day. I feel like I'm just moving through the hours of my day right now without much thought about the future. I have worked hard to get to this point because as I've mentioned before, I'm a planner and not planning has never been an option. As I'm driving home from dinner with an old friend tonight I realized something that really disturbed me: I'm petrified of planning, ANYTHING, longterm especially. So I don't. And you know what? It has served me pretty well. While I find that not writing a "To Do" list has kept me from thinking about my future and that has been a relief, it has also kept me from thinking about paying bills or completing my sister's medical billing. (Sorry Sis!)

I had time to kill so I decided to get a yummy iced coffee and to walked around the neighborhood that I lived in 7 years ago. As I passed the apartment building I lived in, I saw that they had refurbished it and were selling off the apartments. I decided to see what was available to rent and how I felt being there and I heard my heart say, "this fits too." I started daydreaming about decorating my apartment, with my cat on my couch, brazilian music playing in the background and candles burning on a fireplace mantal. I actually felt excited about the prospect of living in Denver again. I know now isn't the time but I feel it's coming.

On a whim, unexpectedly, I applied for a second job at the yoga studio and store that I have been frequenting since I moved back to Colorado. They were looking for someone part-time and I thought, "why not? Free yoga." I interviewed and got the job on the same day and started working today. I LOVE the owners (native to Colorado) and the products and well, the yoga (duh!), so getting the job made me happier than I have felt about a position in a long time. When they asked me if I intended to stay in Denver I answered, "yes." Without hesitating. Because at this point? I see no other options.

I am feeling more and more like I'm exactly where I need to be. Unattached. Taking care of my needs. Paying off debt; spending quality time with family; enjoying this beautiful state and living in the moment...because it freaks me out to look too far ahead. We only have today and it serves no purpose to panic about the fact that I have no idea where I'm going, what I will be doing or SHOULD be doing and I really just want to enjoy life.

But soon...soon I will need to allow myself to dream big again. I feel closed to dreaming. I saw a shirt that said, "I go confidently in the direction of my dreams." When I feel that way...when I feel my heart open enough to trust again that dreaming doesn't end in heartache and disappointment...I will buy that shirt and wear it proudly.