Stability

There I was, upside down in "Downdog" and my teacher is talking about finding inner stability and I had an "ah ha" moment: I got it. I knew what she was talking about. Only recently have I come to fully grasp what practicing yoga really means to me. When I decided to dive into yoga again earlier this year, I felt my relation to it had shifted. I know that I didn't quite understand why I felt so calm and relaxed when I was done but I would walk out and feel ten million times better than when I went in. I started trusting myself more in the poses, finding balance and hearing myself say, "I can do this." I'm not the most flexible of people and I always thought yoga hurt and there were times in my life when I did yoga that I couldn't relate to the spiritual talk that came with it. But then I lost my job at the end of February and had to take a moment to reassess what it was that I wanted to do in life. And in a moment of clarity, I knew yoga would become a big part of it.

In downdog the other day, I realized how far I have come these last couple of months. I didn't take on my new direction in life with too much poise. I cried a lot. I felt every negative emotion a human can feel. I threw things. I felt numb and sad and all the other emotions we as humans run from. And every time I had those feelings, I would find my way onto my yoga mat and I felt like I was coming home. I can only attribute it to the feeling I would get after a long challenging day and falling into my lover's arms. Or my mom's. It was like I was able to let go, refocus, and would come away feeling inspired.

Upside down, I realized and accepted at the same time that I have always sought stability in other people. It took me moving to another country to learn to make decisions about my life on my own without consulting my mom, sister or friends. When people ask me why I have chosen the path I have in life, I haven't always known how to respond. Now I just tell them that I've done it because it has taught me to rely on myself in ways that living at home never would have. I can lie and say that I've always been an independent person but the loss of direction and self-worth I felt when my last relationship ended reminded me that I have been seeking stability and direction in someone other than myself. How absolutely co-dependent was I?!

My inner voices spoke in yoga the other day (which is why I adore yoga so much - it's OK that I am listening to that inner dialogue) one part of me stating that I wanted so badly to find stability and the other answer, "you're looking in the wrong places." I have a feeling that once I find my inner stability...once I can say without a doubt that I am happy being on my own, that I am confident in my choices and direction...that I am in love with the woman I am...well then I will have stability. And that stability will be with me no matter where I go.

And then I'll be free.