Toes in the sand

It usually happens when I'm really tired and these days, work has been an everyday occurrence and sometimes, when I've been going on empty for a while, I am easily emotional. Today I felt like I was being haunted by images and emotions attached to my neighborhood in NJ where I lived not too long ago. The thoughts would float in, no real reason, just hanging out, saying "hi." Funny how letting your thoughts pass by like you're waving at them allows them to make no sense at all. The problem was that it wasn't just a thought, like, "I'm hungry." or "I'm tired." It was like I was transported for a moment back to driving up the steep hill that used to lead to my old apartment or along the cliffs into Manhattan. I want to let go, ignore or full-on ERASE these memories because I have so many other things I want passing through my head (like images of cute men or beautiful flowers or ANYTHING else but memories of my more recent past.)

When my last relationship ended (the one before the recent one), I was lucky enough to be scheduled to travel with my company to Australia. So many memories of that two-week trip are now blurry but one in particular remains firmly intact. I had a vision of my new direction while sitting on a beautiful beach in Adelaide, South Australia. My toes were in the sand and the sun was setting over one of the most amazing ocean horizons I've yet to be blessed enough to experience. I had just had dinner alone (as happened many times on this trip) and I was thinking about my next step. I had never considered continuing my education before that moment but after visiting several Australian universities, it became a real desire in me. I thought about doing marketing or business but like many times before then, my motivation was more to be in Australia and less to obtain a Masters but it didn't matter. Sitting on that beach in South Australia, I knew what I wanted. I was happy to be free of my dead end relationship and was beginning to embrace my future.

I then took a trip with one of my best friends to France two weeks later (a trip I had planned a long time before knowing I was going to Australia) and UPON landing in the airport in Paris, I knew... I KNEW I would return. And doing so 4 months later changed my life completely.

I haven't had a true moment of clarity on my future this time around, like I did in Adelaide. But, I have an idea of the next year or so. Trips to Spain, Romania, New York, San Francisco and then when I'm ready, India. (I've jokingly agreed to a trip to Argentina as well to see the world tango championships!) I have experiences I need and want to have now that I have no real commitments. No real job that I can't come back to. No boyfriend to work it out with. I was going to get a car, an apartment, and buy myself a new future but after my mom pointed out that wouldn't make me happy right now, I put those options on a back burner. I have things I need to do before I commit to ANYTHING. That explains why any commitment at all freaks me out.

In the meantime, I'm a workaholic who gets weepy after she gets done with a particularly tough day. It sucks and it makes me feel like my heart is not healing properly but then I breathe and look at where I'm at and the changes I've gone through and I hug myself because really? It's been a long road and I think I'm doing pretty well...considering.