My Jedi...

I loved him. He was a connection, a smile, a heartache, and one of the most amazing individuals I may ever encounter. As the news flooded my ears, so did a wave of disbelief. Not him. Not like that. No way. The sobs began in a cave so deep within myself - one I had forgotten was there, and I couldn't speak. I uttered words but they almost didn't make sense. A darkness washed over my heart and as if it were yesterday, every moment of my time with him came rushing back. Not him....I kept hearing my heart scream from within my chest - NOT HIM! He was SO alive - how? Why? When? Wake up!

But I didn't. And haven't slept much these past days. The memories play over and over again like a movie - like one of his films. And regret. Why didn't I call him that time? Did he know how much I loved him? Will I always wish I had done something different?

I met him when I had just turned 14. It was a college party and I was with my naughty friend, tripping on acid. So was he. Amidst the chaos of the party, the people I didn't know, and the loud music, he walked into my life - animated, telling stories - big as ever! I remember thinking, "wow he's cute but does he ever shut up?" He never did, thankfully. Never the entire time I knew him. After that night, we became best friends..then lovers then distant penpals...then lovers again...but we were always...always magically connected. Some of my fondest memories were when he used to drive me around in his black Camero - Chili Peppers blaring, thumb drumming the steering wheel as he smoked a cigarette with the other. The way he moved reflected an amazing passion for life - one I always envied. He never lost that. He had grand gestures, amazingly funny facial gestures...and a knack for telling stories and making me smile. He was one of the most generous people I had the luck of meeting - I don't remember anything but the good moments. Without a doubt - he was (and will always be) one of my favorite people.

Of course, as good love stories go, we lost touch...for a while. Then one lucky moment in time we reconnected. And when we finally came face to face, it was if no time had passed. Only now, as adults, the love, passion and deep connection was stronger. All those feelings we had as teenagers were there, magnified by freedom and a knowing. But, as it goes, I was leaving again - Paris. So we had one summer...of love, of music...of wishing we had more time. But we didn't. So we spent every moment we could together. It was the best summer of my life. At the end of it, the night before I was leaving for the city of lights, we drove deep into the mountains - like we once did as kids - and under the stars, he gave me a ring. "To Paris. L, J." Beneath those stars, heartbroken but in love - that's how I choose to remember him. His smile. His love. Our Jedi connection.

Why is it that the memories are so blurry until you can no longer create them? I want to call him. I want to turn back time - like the movie he created to represent our perfect summer - bring him back...let him know how much he is loved and needed here.

My heart is crying...and will for some time...for a life he should have had...for a daughter who will never know him...for the time I wish I had with him again.

In love...the deepest kind a human can experience...always.

L,
B