I hate this part...

We don't talk like lovers anymore. We are friends...most of the time and strangers or enemies much of the other. I know we never thought we'd get here but sometimes there IS too much water under the bridge. It washes away the possibilities...carries with it the undesirable memories, dreams fallen...hearts breaking. I hear that all-too-familiar voice creep in, "it's time now to let go again." As I recall these last two years, it's clear what his purpose was in my life. I wonder if he sees mine in his; if he'll ever forgive me for not being able to make this work. Wonder if he'll hate me. Wonder if his heart will break as mine has through this process. Wonder how I can explain that it's truly not him - it's us...it's the timing...it's me, knowing I can't do it any longer - not like this.

I miss him already. His eyes haunt me. And I realize how I may never see them the same way again. And now, I understand that is the chance you take when you fall in love.

I sat up in bed, wishing I could run somewhere but all the while, staying. His anger was understandable. How did we get here? I ask but I saw the map. I saw the change in him. In me. In us. As my head went to my hands and the tears wet my fingers, I knew, beyond a doubt, that it was time...to move on. I never wanted it to come to this...the obvious place we must have had to get to in order to end something that we both knew should never have endured. And now, with distance, I realize it's inevitable.

I really do hate this part of it all. And yet I want it engrained in my memory so I am more careful, more discerning...and in a better place before I let another man in my life like that.