The second night of my training as a server, I walked out of the restaurant in tears. Noone saw. It wasn't anyone's fault, necessarily. I just left feeling exhausted and perhaps that's where the tears initally came from. I had forgotten how much you have to know and remember when you are serving tables. Yes, it's coming back to me now like riding a bicycle but that first day, following a coworker around but not necessarily being able to do anything because I wasn't trained on anything...that felt like crap. And in the car on the way home, I blamed my Ex. It was easy: he left me to have to make the decision to leave NY, forcing me to find a new job and above all, he ripped my dreams with him to shreads. I hated him more than I had before that moment.
But then I got to train with Mr.CutiePaTutie. For 12 hours. I'm not sure why I was put with him because I did not request it. After our initial meeting when I saw hearts and diamonds, he was very standoffish with me. I'm not sure why. So I wasn't exactly excited about following him around nor was I excited about making a fool out of myself in front of him. Like forgetting to put an order in the system. Or spilling creamer all down the front of me. Or having to recite the chef's special and totally f'ing it up. I'm positive I turned a few shades of red many times. The beauty of training with him was, however, how much fun we actually had together. We bantered like pals and made sexual inuendos. It was like working with a buddy.
I got to spend 12 long hours getting to know him as a person and on a friend/coworker level and I realized how imperfect he was but how I could see right through the act he put on and see the faboulous guy I met that first night, with all of his faults. And boy does he have faults! He made mistakes like crazy the whole way through (maybe I made him nervous?) and the more he made mistakes the more comfortable and at ease I felt with him. He has a temper not too dissimilar to mine. I saw him get indignant and angry, cursing in French, and it made me smile. He relaxed and I relaxed and we had fun. I left wondering when I'd see him again and excited about going back and getting back into my new job.
In the end, it all clicked. I realized that I do enjoy working with this type of crowd more so than with the office politics of my other jobs. In a restaurant, behind the scenes, there is a culture of saying what you feel and mean in the most uncensored ways, forgiving mistakes and letting go of grudges. There is a lot of touching and ass grabbing and yelling. I found myself joking around with my boss on a level of respect but also as a pal. I look forward to working with these people and even if it's going to be difficult and I'll likely not make any money at first, this experience will give me what I was hoping it would: a distraction and a way to learn to live in the present.
Above all, it's nice to have a crush because it shows me how resiliant my heart can be. It's just a crush, after all. I'm able to focus on my healing and my life but I'm also able to laugh and enjoy myself. After my heart's ass was kicked, I felt I would never be able to see a man as something other than a piece of meat. Now I know that even if I want them at a distance, I can have friendships with men. They aren't ALL bad... And now I realize that my Ex is happily my Ex - my former life- and even if my past isn't that distant yet, I feel it shrinking behind me and my view turning to enjoy the scenery just in front of me. In the distance there are new challenges and dreams...and countries to be visited...but right now, I'm present to my life. And it's turning out to be a pretty nice day.
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