Now what?!

The night before I left NY, I stopped by Nightbird's to say goodbye. I was obviously feeling quite a mix of emotions but mostly I was just sad. Sad that I was too scared to face the big city by myself. Sad that I had to leave my NY family and friends. Sad that I was letting my Ex have a city for which he really never had an appreciation. I always saw the City's beauty beneath, even if my judgment was clouded by a negativity I couldn't pinpoint. I learned to accept that with the good you will have to have the bad. Sadness filled me in ways I couldn't put into words and a certain fear was its company. For the first time in a very long long time, I was facing this world alone. And by that I mean, I was imagining a future of my own making. No more "WE", it was now, "I". It was both freeing and frightening at the same time.

As so I said goodbye to my beautiful friend, she handed me a few parting gifts: three books - two by Shakti Gawain about creative visualization. I had made many efforts in those first couple weeks after the breakup to read - to distract myself by delving into a book. The efforts were fruitless; I couldn't focus on one word of anything I read. In fact, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to crack a book open and comprehend what I was reading. So today I delved further into one of those books that Nightbird gave me: "Creative Visualization." I came upon the following passage and knew instantly why my friend had used the metaphor of a river to decribe life:

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At some point, each person must be willing to just let go and trust the river to carry him or her along to safety. At this point, he learns to "go with the flow" and it feels wonderful."

The whole chapter was about letting go and trusting that life will do what it must. No manipulations. Just to stop doing and allowing oneself to just be. I reread this chapter a few times. Yes...it all made fantastic sense but how could I just let go?

I started by letting go of any pride. I am both sad and excited that I own nothing but my kitty, who really isn't an object and is in fact an adorable, reliable, loving companion who freqently makes me laugh. I am both at zero and abundant in possibilities. I never asked for this situation directly but I am so thankful it is upon me. I don't know where I'm going and right now, I just have to learn to be patient with my life's river. It is taking its time winding down the way, allowing me time to heal and yet I'm still slowly but surely moving forward. I have to let go and allow life to carry me because the ground I was attached to - the shore I was holding onto so tightly - slipped from my grips and even though I thought that was where I wanted to be, now I'm so glad it released me because I feel my journey is only getting more interesting and fulfilling.

There is something more to life than what I've experienced. I'm so curious and interested and so very excited about the people I'll meet and the places I'll experience. My life is clearly abundant in ways i never thought possible. It's so fabulous that I'm now able to see the clouds clearing.

Life's too short to remain heartbroken. It's done. Now what?