Transformational Sadness

I deleted my last post because it was just plain pathetic. While I still feel somewhat pathetic for a myriad of reasons, I read back through it and the tough love email from my sis this morning and thought, "why am I still feeling this way?" It's because every time I start to feel sorry for myself and that pit in my stomach comes back, I want to write to get it out of me. I feel like the more I write it the less time it spends in me. But it's a huge disservice to my healing because I'm pushing it out instead of being a witness to it...seeing it and saying, "yep, that's what it is. That's sadness and grief." And watching it float around and allowing it to find it's way out of me instead. Instead, I see it, I let it infect my energy, my heart, my head...and instead of just being present to the fact that it's there still and dealing with it, I let it eat me.

This road I'm walking is a curious one. I'm not alone but I feel so alone. I want to find myself again - that woman that didn't need anyone to tell her that she'll be fine. The woman that didn't allow anyone to dictate how she felt about herself. The woman that knew herself. I will find her again and I will be happier. I feel like my life is going in the direction that it needs to and I am prepared to not have any expectations about it. I struggle with that on a daily basis...holding myself to high expectations - where am I going? Who will I end up being? What will I do with this one fabulous life and the chances I'm given? Will I say, "what's the worst that can happen?" Am I strong enough to fail and still get back up?

"Yoga Journal" magazine had an article that I just happened to open to last night that discussed "transformational sadness." It talked about using your heartbreak or loss and the sadness that inevitably comes with both of those as a way to open your heart even more. The author even went as far as to say that sadness can feel an awful lot like love. So I sat on my bed last night and tried to meditate, to really see the source of my sadness, to be a witness to it and to allow it to open my heart more to allow my level of compassion and love for the world to really grow. Of course, I was distracted - as meditation does not come easy to me - but I will continue to try. My sadness has transformed me and I refuse...REFUSE to let it transform me into a scared, pathetic woman who only looks inward.

You're right sis, it is time to buck up and move forward. I am walking this path as a new woman and I have an opportunity to grow from it.

Thanks for reminding me to count my blessings and live in the present.