Two of my mom's best friends came to visit her last week. These women were there when things went sour with my parent's relationship. One of them was my softball coach when I was 10 and the other's kids were our best friends growing up. These are two women that my mother loves as sisters and I count as aunts, even if they aren't by blood. So I had lunch with them and of course, they went through the updates that come with conversations with old friends.
At one point in the conversation, I don't know what triggered the question, but one of the women asked me if I felt like I had done something wrong to elicit my Ex's decision to end our relationship. In fact, it was actually a question posed as the following, "you don't feel any of those feelings like that you did something wrong or that this was somehow your fault?" I responded with: "of course." And I do. The other woman told me that it had nothing to do with me. But I know better. Relationships are never one-sided. Even if my Ex told me that it was so he could "find himself," I know better. Something, somewhere, sometime went wrong.
I have met so many people these last couple of months that tell me that they know what I feel like. It really isn't any comfort that all of these people have had their heart ripped out of their chests; that they lost a lot of weight because they couldn't muster the strength to eat and their adrenaline was so amuck that their heart rate was likely way beyond normal; that they cried themselves to sleep; that they were forever scarred by the loss of love. If I'm honest, it makes me that much more distrustful of ever falling in love again. I'm petrified of the mere thought of it.
As the time passes, I find myself learning to live this life of being single. I enjoy the freedom, the lack of accountability, the choices I now am more open to making. When I flirt, I feel no guilt. When I look at my future, I know that I am now free to spend as much time as I need finding my way. My choices affect noone but me.
But then I realize how alone I am and I know that I'm not yet at a point where that doesn't feel like something that will last the rest of my lifetime. I notice couples more than I used to. I see them in a way I never have before; walking their dog together, choosing a restaurant (like I used to with my Ex), kissing...I find myself watching them and wondering if they're really happy together. Do they fight? Does one of them love the other more? Are they really in love or just biding their time - like my Ex apparently did? Romances unfold in my restaurant and I see how one watches the other longingly as the other flirts shamelessly with everyone else. That whole dating scene? I don't want anything to do with it. It all just makes me sad. It discourages me. But mostly, it frightens me. Do I dare imagine that I will ever be capable of trusting someone after all of this? Do I still have faith in love?
I've heard the words that come out of my mouth and it is ever so apparent that I'm still not ok. I want to be. I'm doing what it takes to move through all of this shit and find my way and myself but I'm still human and the healing process is still underway.
But I still cry, when I'm alone with only the wind to remind me that this will blow over and I will someday be ready to let go of my branch. May I someday have the courage it takes to let it go.
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1 comment:
"But I know better" (!)
Listen to your "aunties"! You have to step back and look at this. Don't beat yourself thinking it was your fault. God, love yourself more!!! This is unhealthy.
As long as you are doing this you can't heal. I think "healing" is wrong word to be using - it implies being all better, and I don't think anyone on the planet is ever "all better". Life bats us around constantly, (you know this) and if one stops everything to "heal", one never grows or moves forward - you have to LIVE- while growing - and you are - beautifully. You are continuing to mature. (that's not meant to sound patronizing, honest, it is a lifelong process) What you want, what you are seeking, is to be at peace with yourself, at least about this relationship; and also in general, in the ever-changing here and now.
Bearing responsibility for part of a relationship and what "goes wrong" or doesn't work in it is valid, but that's a world away from it being "your fault" It isn't!! These women are 100% right, and how sensitive of them to bring it up first, to make sure you don't fall down that black hole. The sooner you let go of this, the sooner genuine progress (I don't want to say healing anymore, because it plays into you thinking of yourself as a wounded animal, and I want you to think of things in other ways, you are not a powerless victim) can take place. The fact that you still persist in beating yourself up is getting in your way. I'm sorry I'm repeating myself!
At this point, what would be so terrible about the truth that you two just weren't right for each other? This demonizes neither of you and doesn't play into you needing to feel somehow unworthy. Of course you feel rejected, but that doesn't mean it is deserved!! Right? You will be chasing your tail until you let go of this toxic thinking.
I know you will know I write all of the above with all the love and respect I feel, and that as always I am proud of you more than I can say, but I don't want to feed the pity beast. I would much rather send sushi to the I Am Terrific Kitty. Or at least the I am Gradually Forgiving of Myself Tabby. What do you think?
P.S. There is nothing wrong with being alone, from time to time, even indefinitely, especially for a traveller, which you are. I always found I accomplished so much more artistically when I wasn't carrying any dead weight. I'm just saying! There's good and bad in both setups. Coupledom isn't necessarily a happy ending. It is also hard work in progress. With the wrong person it can feel like a life sentence! Meanwhile, people die, people change. Most important is loving your own company. If other people come into your life, beautiful, and yay, (but as in yin and yang, they also go) but you must love yourself first, and most, so that when life's guaranteed changes and sometime disappointments happen, you will always have yourself to fall back on and hug. Let's talk about this again in fifteen years. I love you TONS!!!
Hope I didn't speechify too much...
Of course I did or I wouldn't be
Nightbird
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