The full moon made an attempt to peek its way out behind the clouds the other night and lightening flashed like someone taking a photo across the evening sky. The concert was packed with people dancing and singing and overall, just enjoying themselves; some high, some drunk, some both. The beat of the music moved me even though I knew very few words. I remember breathing in and closing my eyes and living, in that moment until I was ready for the next one to pass. Moments are funny like that; you can make them last for seconds or they can continue for hours. At one point, I people watched so intently that I forgot about my date who stood next to me. But when I came back to him, I would look at him and think, "hm... he's cute." He wasn't really my type: tall, blond, wearing tennis shoes and a rain jacket. My dream guy isn't that tall. He's dark, mysterious, likely foreign but now I'm totally interested those cute USA natives. And he is well, a lot more interesting and mature. I didn't get butterflies and I wasn't all nervous around him but I enjoyed his company all the same. I remember thinking to myself, "this dating thing? It's not so bad. I could learn to enjoy moments like these. There are no expectations. No future plans. No investment. No problem!"
I think the thing I have to remember when reflecting on my first post-five-year-relationship-date is that I visualized what actually came to pass moments before he rolled up to my house to pick me up. I don't expect anything. I don't WANT to expect that this guy - the "guy I agreed to go out with so that I could safely say that I crossed that bridge" is going to be anything more than the guy who came after my ex. I likely won't remember his name or his face or the way his lips tasted. He will just be that guy I went on a date with and kissed two months after ending what I thought was the love affair of my life. I was very clear in all of my actions and words that I expected nothing from him. So I enjoyed the music, the funny little things that make a first date interesting. It had been over 5 years since I "dated" anyone and I NEEDED the experience to end and begin a chapter of my life.
And so it was what it was. One night with a semi-stranger. I wasn't there 100% but I never expected to be. I remember looking at him, not really listening to what he was saying but thinking, "I never thought I'd get here." When my heart was broken not too long ago, I was sure I would never want to be in the presence of another man. That sounds dramatic but if I'm honest, I really felt that it couldn't possibly be worth all that I was feeling with such an intensity. No man was worth it, in my book. But sitting there, looking at this guy I was thankful that I at least allowed myself to be open to it again. It was proof that our hearts either forget or heal and are resilient. And I felt the page turn.
I won't lie. The date wasn't the best I've had. It was the first of many, I hope. He and I? We don't fit, in so many ways, but it's nice to know that I have it in me to allow a man into my space again. It reminds me to really evaluate who gets to enter that space again and that I have to grow thicker skin, watch for wolves in sheep's clothing, and not take anything that any man says to you seriously until he's earned it.
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2 comments:
Well, good for you! It sounds like you kept things light, and had a pleasant enough time. That's all you need do right now, from time to time, no pressure. Please feel free to send those tall blond rejects my way anytime (ha-ha - I think I'm kidding!)
Now that you are a free agent, get thee to a bookstore and read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", by Greg Berendt(sp). I think it's a good book for any woman who is currently between beaus to read, and it completely validates the importance of being picky and demanding only the best treatment from a boyfriend, and it's written by a straight guy (there are still some, wow) who used to work on "Sex and the City". It's a quick read; no need to buy, just sit in a friendly bookstore some rainy afternoon and finish it over a latte. Maybe a bit heavy for someone in a current dead end relationship to read, but all single girls should absolutely read it and memorize it in advance of the next disaster, I mean, relationship. It's very readable and quite useful, and it's strong toughlove from a man who knows how crappy his fellow men can be, and that women deserve the absolute best, period, but that sometimes we have trouble sticking up for ourselves, and make all sorts of excuses for bad behavior from the men in our lives. Do look it up and let me know what you think.
Tons of love alway,
Nightbird
Great book, actually. After having it be recommended several times, I checked it out and it enlightened me on many things regarding dating. One thing is for sure, I'd rather be chased than chase...men like that and always have. :)
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