Busy bee

I knew going into the evening that I wasn't emotionally ready to be at a wedding, even if I was just working as a caterer at it. I was fine with everything until the party moved to the makeshift dance floor on our restaurant patio and the bride and groom began to dance their dance. They were so in love and glowing - it was really touching. And then a girl serenaded them with an acoustic guitar singing a song I LOVE and that makes me all weepy anyway. I had to walk away. I remember walking through the dining area as they dined on the wedding dinner thinking that I don't think I have half the people they have to invite to a wedding so good thing I wasn't getting married yet. I kept saying to myself, "someday. Someday you WILL love like that again. Your heart will no longer be a hardened rock or a patched up wound. You will find someone who loves you like that." I wasn't ready to deal with love like that in such blatancy but perhaps it was good for me to see it. To show me how far I've come since those days when I felt like my life had just been wripped out of my clutching arms.

The fullness of my life right now somewhat both comforts and frightens me. I remember a time not too long ago when life was meandering along and I was wishing it would fast-forward a few months. Well, now I'm there. Busy little bee I am these days! I get caught sometimes going going going and not really thinking about what's next. And that has been good for me, I think. But if I'm honest, I am avoiding answering the question about what's next. Because really? I haven't had a good idea of that and I was in such "survive and heal" mode that thinking about the next step would just cause me more anxiety than i could handle. I need a break from planning...being ambitious...from deciding what I want to be when I grow up.

The other day on my way home from work, errands and sneaking a little time with one of my beaus, my mom called me to tell me that she had a plan for me...would I "just get home already?" I was skeptical, as I'm a "planaphobe" at the moment. Anything past my workweek's schedule is too far in advance. A week and half really freaks me out. Life could change and then I would have to deal with that and adjusting to it and well, lately? I'm not too into all that, not to mention that I suck at change. But when I got home and my wonderful mom laid out what she thought I should do, I was actually relieved. It was the plan I've hidden in my heart to do since I was freed of my longterm relationship. Being here and building friendships with my family and friends, I have become "caught between two worlds." The world where I am free as a bird - free of a plan, a man, a real job and anything that requires monthly payments - and another that is more settled, with a car payment and a lease. But through tears of (I think) relief, I agreed with her. No. I'm not ready to be settled.

My shoulders still have wings on them and the closer I get to feeling like a real human being again...like my heart isn't dark...the more I realize that I need to feed that part of my soul. Soon.