Laying back into Shivasana tonight after a yummy yoga session with my favorite teacher, I couldn't calm my mind. I was happy, for sure, as I had just dedicated my entire session to my best friend (we dedicate our sessions in her class to someone each time for different reasons) and I was thinking about her, what she has taught me since I met her 6 years ago; how she changed the way I think about many aspects of my life; how she introduced me to an amazing group of woman in NY when I first moved there - women who also have had an impact on my life and I was thinking about how much I loved and missed her and how I wish we could turn back time to a walk in Central Park or a dinner at yummy Italian restaurant tucked away in the East Village.
So my heart was pretty open and happy when I heard an internal voice - a voice that I have been hearing more and more often. The voice was speaking to my Ex. She was saying how it was time to let him go out of my life. Completely. That sometimes people serve a purpose in your life and even when you think they will always be there, sometimes it's just time to complete your time with them. I heard the voice tell him how hard it was to move forward when he was still a part of me. And that it was ok that we would never speak again or share time; that it didn't work but that it didn't mean that he was or I am a terrible person. Our walk together had its good and bad times and those are a part of my make-up now but that now...now I needed him to leave me. The voice asked him to go and thanked him for what he will always be for me.
And then I came to and I was back in the yoga studio surrounded by yogis and yoginis and the voice of my teacher calling us back to end the session.
As I drove home, I thought about the finality of saying goodbye with your heart. I said it with my mouth but my heart wasn't ready. I wondered if I was capable of actually saying to my Ex what my heart said to him. Did I need to say it to him or did the Universe traverse the Earth and do it for me? Something in me has felt for so long that I couldn't live without him and that there was something wrong or unworthy about me and that is why he left me. Then thoughts about the men I have had pass through my life since him and I understand more fully why my heart has had such a hard time feeling anything..anything at all for them. In their embrace, I have felt numb. My heart seems to be somewhere in between the forgetting and the remembering - like it wants to allow ME to be open to healing but closed to letting any unworthy male (or person for that matter) in far enough to destroy the beautiful flora I'm attempting to cultivate in my heart. I heard that same inner voice tell me to be strong enough to realize that until I'm ready to be loved...until I truly love myself...every encounter I have with a man will be meaningless. And therefore, why have them?
In that space of just being present, I came to terms with my heart. Imagine what could happen if time were more abundant.
In the Muck of it!
The beauty of Life
1 comment:
I see the glow each time you return from yoga rested and at peace. That for sure is a good step and I do intend to join you soon. You will finish healing and you will find direction, But once again the direction doesn't need to be determined all at once or in a hurry. I think you will find clarity in the short trips you've planned. Time will show you there is space for you both "flying high" and "staying grounded" and you are the type that can stand with a foot in each path till the time comes to choose one for a while.
We love you.
Mom
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