I'll have what she's having

I had an "ah-ha" moment in my car on my way home last night. But before I get into that moment, I must begin by saying how fabulous my car is because it forces me to do two things on a random and frequent basis: 1. Be completely aware of my car's speed by watching the flow of traffic and when that's not available (say, after 1AM), to go slower than I think I'm going because the speedometer works, ya know, when it wants to. and 2. To sit and be OK in silence because my radio? It too works when it feels like it. It's amusing every time I think about it. I have no problem with either of these issues because I like to rock out in my car but sometimes, I need the forced silence to be able to hear my thoughts, talk myself into and out of things and to digest my daily experiences. Initially I thought I wouldn't use my car much but it has been a constant companion and so these moments of silence (and heat - OH the HEAT - because the air-conditioning doesn't work either), I feel everything that much more.

So last night, after an after-dinner drink with a few of my new coworkers, I was driving home in silence thinking about a few conversations I've had with people lately. Namely, those that I’ve had with my sister and SisteroftheSun. Both have pointed out on more than one occasion that I am a serial monogamist. They may not have called it that exactly but both have reminded me that in essence, I have been in and out of serious or semi-serious relationships with men since I was 18 and have never been single for more than 8 months since that time. Let me repeat: I have not been single for longer than 8 months. And so after having fun conversations with a few of my male coworkers, flirting with the bar tender but then leaving alone yet again I felt the loneliness that has been my dedicated companion since my Ex left. Nope. I guess I just can’t get used to sleeping alone.

I have had fun, sexy and somewhat confusing dreams about men since I left NY. Sometimes I wake from those dreams, head to work and see one of the previous night’s main actors and wonder if he knows, somehow, that I had a dream that we kissed and it was yummy. I’m positive that he has no idea but I'm sure I blush all the same. The last dream, however, was just about being hand-in-hand with someone and being near him, like I used to be with my Ex for five years. I am a physical person in relationships. I enjoy the kissing and cuddles, wherever they may be, even in public (no tonsil hockey, just cuddles). So this lack of human touch at the same frequency that I was used to has been one of the hardest adjustments to being single. I admit - I hate it. You don't realize how much it happens in a relationship until you're yearning for someone to brush by you or you don't mind when coworkers give you a little grab here and there. It's pathetic; I know.

I have let my thoughts and feelings about being single be what they are, without the self judgment. But in realizing that it's mostly the physical aspect of a romantic relationship and not necessarily a need I have to be partnered with someone that I miss the most has been a welcomed realization. Maybe I'm meant to learn something about self-love and nurture that is impossible to fully understand if I'm in a relationship. And I think of the times in my future when I will be ready to allow a man into my space like that again - how very amazing that will be then. At the end of my last relationship, we were both in a desert of emotion. While we touched and hugged a lot, the intimacy was lost somewhere along the way...if it was ever there romantically. I know that this loneliness (both the physical and emotional kind) will lead me to a place where I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship; that I will find a place where I’m happy in my solitude again.

I want that. I want an inner peace and self-love. I want to be abundant in the light that shows when a woman is in love with herself. We don't see it often enough, do we? But when we do, it is like a beam that no one can deny. I saw it recently in a woman sitting down for dinner with her love. I did not even notice the guy she was with but her inner light was radiant. I remember thinking, “I’ll have whatever she’s having.”